I've been thinking of the best way to start my paragraph, but words seem to fail me everytime they are summoned. I've been thinking of the best way to spend my night, but I can't seem to adhere to what I previously planned. Somehow by forces of nature or what, I just can't seem to do what is
best for me, even though initially, I always tend to get satisfied with what I have.
So after The Organic Truth, today came The Physical Truth. As a package it came, a mixture of both the
Expected and the
Unexpected.
What's new, man.
Expectedly, it was marred with errors that could only come from carelessness - my
gift since 12 Aug 1988.
Expectedly, the little red digit sitting inside that circle on the first page was, well, lower than those sitting on The Brains' papers.
What's new. But
unexpectedly, as horriendous as some may think, it actually fetched me more joy and pride than it brought me humiliation.
Initially, of course. Well, up to the point when some
prodigy said something which reduced me to nothing but stupidity. Which, I will not delve into this part of the story further.
The point is, the first thing that appeared at the sight of The Numbers was, surprisingly, content. "It's not so bad!" My insides danced a little to the thought.
To tell the truth, The Numbers ain't fabulous. Years back, they could only translate into mediocracy. Oh, how a perfectionist with high expectations I was then! But now, I have begun to embrace them with joy. Was it because I've become more stupid? Was it because I have accepted the fact that I am just another plain Jane (of course that's not my name) whose results are nothing spectacular but mediocre?
Come to think of it, since the day I came, I started to fail. First, it was a paper. Soon, it was a subject. Then, it nearly became a module. I guess along the way, as I keep failing things I started to lower my expectations and began to anticipate the worst. Bit by bit, the upsetting feeling began to ease, and I have finally made peace with how small My Numbers appear when they stand against giants of their likes that belong to people around me. Then eventually, these small numbers become my expectation, and that's why I am happy - I
always meet my expectations.
Silly, huh.
I guess things stay pretty much the same even as the environment changed. But miracles happened. Out of the blue, some of my results ended up not as bad as they were projected to be. Then I danced in joy. It was good for me, yet it was never good enough. Because of The Curve. The Curve, and whatever good results in my definition will be deemed as 'no-good' and slot me in the 'average' group at its best.
So even miracles have happened, they don't exactly make an impact.
I am still leading a life of a plain Jane (again, that's not my name).
You can argue my mediocre results are all because of my procrastination. But to devote all my time to just studying without life?
Ha, over my dead body.
In this foreign land which I got my permanent resident status, I've never done anything that I can proudly call Best. Sigh. What a world I am living in.
Just an average Joe then.
