Tuesday, April 21, 2009 23:00
I. AM. STRESSED.
Tried to coerce my mind to think that it's just a moment of blank out and everything is still a bed of roses. But it is not at the very least.
Not at all.
Not when you spent forever trying to figure out the same problem on your own without consulting anybody. Not when time and time again, every new question you see mocks at you while you try so hard to know what it means and how to do it. And these questions are what you are supposed to already know by now, are what you will see in exam for sure.
Yet, I know none.
Not even able to recognize certain formula when I have diligently flipped my formula sheet during mid terms. It's the same problem set, yet I can figure nothing.
At this rate, honours year seem impossible to make it and I'll just graduate as just an ordinary Science student and waste all my daddy's money that's been spent on me for these 20 years.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009 22:44
I've been thinking of the best way to start my paragraph, but words seem to fail me everytime they are summoned. I've been thinking of the best way to spend my night, but I can't seem to adhere to what I previously planned. Somehow by forces of nature or what, I just can't seem to do what is
best for me, even though initially, I always tend to get satisfied with what I have.
So after The Organic Truth, today came The Physical Truth. As a package it came, a mixture of both the
Expected and the
Unexpected.
What's new, man.
Expectedly, it was marred with errors that could only come from carelessness - my
gift since 12 Aug 1988.
Expectedly, the little red digit sitting inside that circle on the first page was, well, lower than those sitting on The Brains' papers.
What's new. But
unexpectedly, as horriendous as some may think, it actually fetched me more joy and pride than it brought me humiliation.
Initially, of course. Well, up to the point when some
prodigy said something which reduced me to nothing but stupidity. Which, I will not delve into this part of the story further.
The point is, the first thing that appeared at the sight of The Numbers was, surprisingly, content. "It's not so bad!" My insides danced a little to the thought.
To tell the truth, The Numbers ain't fabulous. Years back, they could only translate into mediocracy. Oh, how a perfectionist with high expectations I was then! But now, I have begun to embrace them with joy. Was it because I've become more stupid? Was it because I have accepted the fact that I am just another plain Jane (of course that's not my name) whose results are nothing spectacular but mediocre?
Come to think of it, since the day I came, I started to fail. First, it was a paper. Soon, it was a subject. Then, it nearly became a module. I guess along the way, as I keep failing things I started to lower my expectations and began to anticipate the worst. Bit by bit, the upsetting feeling began to ease, and I have finally made peace with how small My Numbers appear when they stand against giants of their likes that belong to people around me. Then eventually, these small numbers become my expectation, and that's why I am happy - I
always meet my expectations.
Silly, huh.
I guess things stay pretty much the same even as the environment changed. But miracles happened. Out of the blue, some of my results ended up not as bad as they were projected to be. Then I danced in joy. It was good for me, yet it was never good enough. Because of The Curve. The Curve, and whatever good results in my definition will be deemed as 'no-good' and slot me in the 'average' group at its best.
So even miracles have happened, they don't exactly make an impact.
I am still leading a life of a plain Jane (again, that's not my name).
You can argue my mediocre results are all because of my procrastination. But to devote all my time to just studying without life?
Ha, over my dead body.
In this foreign land which I got my permanent resident status, I've never done anything that I can proudly call Best. Sigh. What a world I am living in.
Just an average Joe then.
Sunday, April 12, 2009 17:58
Two years ago, he was hating how I made him practise Scales, how I kept picking out his mistakes, and how I made him repeat the same page of the score until he was able to feel the music.
Two years later, he came beaming with pride and joy, and told me he conquered what seemed to be impossible two years ago. He, my younger brother, can now play 'SECRET'. Not only can he play, he can even make it more interesting than I could, according to him.
Boy, that little boy sure has grown up a lot.
This is another colour I grabbed from FaceShop the other day. By wearing it alone, it looks like this :
Being the itchy hand as I always am, on the third day of its wear it became this:
Saturday, April 04, 2009 10:26
It is either because I'm too much a perfectionist, or I overestimated my skills, or the quality is unacceptably low, or I'm just simply against the colour. Whichever it is, I am still
very disappointed.
I was at FaceShop (again, yes) trying out their nailpolishes (again, yes) yesterday. I was thinking of making some difference to the current nail colours in my possession, so I steered away from the pastels and tried the dark ones. I walked out of the shop with a lady pink and a plum one - the latter could well be my worst purchase in my entire life.
Because I haven't owned anything like a plum colour before, the moment I was done bathing I prepped my nails for it. Full of anticipation, and the first coat was done in no time. This is my first time applying something that is NOT pastel in nature, and I have to say it takes a lot more patience and skills to produce satisfying results. And tadaa, my nails turned out to be those of a witch's.
The colour was nothing like I imagined. It was, in my very humble opinion, way worse than my threshold could tolerate. When I was still testing out the colour in the shop, I
thought it would be a more demure and soft red. Clearly, it was
so wrong. Two coats, and my nails are so pigmented. To my horror, they have even added years to my hands. Needless to say, every single time I look at them, every single time I would see the flaws and imperfections.
I tried to coerce my mind to accept this as "pretty". After all, this is the ONLY non-pastel colour in my pastel collection. This should stand out and shine like a star, and I SHOULD love it above all others. Quite the contrary now. It is standing out like a big fat sore thumb, and everytime I look at my fingers, they sore my eyes like acids do. I even removed them this morning and re-painted them again, thinking that it was my lack of skills that got in the way. But at the end of the day, they still give me the same eyesore.
I looked forward to getting new nail polishes so much before this, that I even left my nails un-painted for a week to let them breathe, to prepare them well for the new colour. And now, what's this that's on my nails?
It is still the first day since I bought this colour, and I think I have used up nearly half the bottle. Not to my liking at all.
I have this urge to go back to FaceShop again, and buy another colour. All these years I have not purchased anything - I repeat,
ANYTHING - that gives me ZERO satisfaction at all. Overpriced purchases there were, but all of them still fetched high degree of satisfaction so I do not think those money were gone to waste.
But now, I sincerely think, from the bottom of my heart,
I have fully wasted SGD2.90.
I AM SO DISAPPOINTED.
