Saw this on ShuM's blog. Thought it is... perfectly sensible in chemical sense.
PROCEED WITH CAUTION. HIGHLY LAUGHABLE. Especially if you are reading with the opposite sex.
Man - A Chemical AnalysisElement: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Atomic Mass: Accepted as 70. May vary from 50-150 kg. Highly reactive at 150 or higher. (avoid at all costs)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length, though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : EveOccurance. Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties:
1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz).
3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo commom ore.
6) Tarnishes easily. Needs constant polishing and attention
7) Crusty exterior but may be soft underneath
8) Naturally found in the crude state but may be purified
9) Simple in structure.
10)Often found in the gaseous state.
11)Spontaneous polarity changes relative to surrounding specimens.
Chemical properties:
1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.)
5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
6) Great affinity for fatty substances.
7) May react violently under pressure.
8) Low boiling point, high melting point.
9) Attraction to large quantities of iron.
10)Poorly bonds with other substances.
11)Pure substances are rarely found except when
covalently bonded.
Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, general repairs, free dinners for Wo...
Tests :
1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
2) Appearance greatly improves when placed in a sports car.
3) Easily titrates to yellow under stress.
4) Never true blue.
Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
Woman - A Chemical AnalysisElement: Woman
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: Accepted as 59, but known to vary 50-88.
Discoverer: AdamOccurance. Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with sticks painted film.
2)
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied at correct points.
7) Undergoes unpredicatable spontaneous dehydrolyses (weeps).
Chemical Properties :
1) Has
great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful
money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. Can greatly improve relaxation levels. Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns
green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution :
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one.
