These two days have been a blast for me. I laughed like I have never laughed for years. Finally.
First of all we have finally a time to get together after being apart for four years. Four years was how long it was, and four years was what it took for each and every one of us to grow. From a naive, happy-go-lucky schoolgirls and boys we have been through events that, over time, play vital roles in reshaping and remodelling our characters. So our thinking processes, our perspectives, the paths we are taking diverged. Jings a hard core Aussie babe who's firm in her beliefs, Hong's become true blue Japan fan who loves everything about that place other than the girls, ZhOng's now a big boy who's ditched that little 'boy boy' he used to be, while me...let's just say that I'm more than what I was then.
Yet despite all the difference there's still some constant that lingered - the way we so easily jumped into conversations, the way topics after topics surfaced, and the way we made each other feel so at ease and comfortable.
Somehow I saw the change in myself over the years as we were so deeply immersed in our conversations last night. I used to be the girl who looked the the world through a rosy window, and wouldn't really want to reject others' requests. But look what I am now - strong and firm in my beliefs, stand up till the end for things that in my opinion, are right - according to people around me. I am no longer the meek little kitten I used to be.
******
Since Hong was down with flu, ZhOng got it after we left, and Jing's nose was running like mad today, it'll be phenomenal if I managed to escape the bug. So as a result, I caught a flu with symptoms so different from the three of them, but scary enough to be having cold sweatdrops amidst the chilly weather. And the world sort of spun around me for a minute or two, so I decided (after my grandma's repeated suggestions) to ditch the 1830 bus and take another one back to KL tomorrow.
And I say, everything I encountered these few days was so uncannily connected, or related. There've been quotes by various people - people who care. They may just be any other statement these people made to defend their points, but these statements came through as something worth pondering, something wise.
From KEN:
Hate not the players in the game (of love) but the game itself.From ShuM:
... it really sucks to keep telling yourself that there's hope when your faith's swaying...(I'm not pissed at him already) Why? Is it sadness turns into anger to apathy?And some ghost in some chinese drama:
To be the only one pushing the relationship forward is extremely taxing. A fruitful one only blossoms if both parties are standing on the same page to put equal amount of effort.Of course, both KEN and the ghost said that in Chinese. I'm just the translator again. But you can't just agree less with the ghost, can you? Nothing is ever gonna turn out well if both parties aren't standing on the same page to begin with.
******
I've forgotten exactly when I started not to get upset anymore.
No 'Good Mornings' 'Good night' nor 'how are you darling'.
I've forgotten exactly when they don't make any difference anymore.
Whether I was in your mind, or I was no where in your agenda.
Are you so sick of me? Am I not important? or Am I just paranoid?
Those questions used to haunt me like an old ghost.
Someone must have given me an amulet, for the ghosts are gone.
The sky is clear ahead.
Since when have I gotten so brave?
Really? Was it really bravery?
What about weeks of self-debates and mid-night emo attacks?
Perhaps it was just a false front.
I am brave, to hide the cowardice.
I am happy, for I don't want to be seen bawling like a baby.
I am strong, because I hate to be weak.
How do you know, how can you tell, that what I look like is what I am?
It's self defense.
I thank every single breathing organism who stood by me, giving me light, and grabbing me tight everytime my knees gave way to the ugly reality. You guys were really there, watching over me. When I was weak, you showed support. When I felt hopeless, at least you pushed me on. As well as messages that come at unexpected hours telling me I'm not alone and together we'll stand. How could I say? You people are the best present I can ever ask for.
Why, is the seed thought to have taken root, not growing at all?
Ah, perhaps I should just remove it, and take some time to fill that hole which used to house that little seed.
