It's midnight again. I'm awake. The usual recent midnight emo attack is here. That's why I'm here.
I once said - I'm a doctor, I heal.
People come to me when they get hurt. I'd spend some time on diagnosis and the rest on fixing it. I excel in my job, for most of my patients recovered from whatever hurt they suffered. And they said thank you, and they walked off, and continued living their lives like before, leaving the doctor who once healed them, behind.
I once said - I'm a rubbish bin. Dump whatever shit you don't want to me, and you'll feel better.
People come to me when they can't take in any stress anymore. I'll make myself available for them to discard whatever crap they don't want in their lives, to lighten the burden they carry. I excel in my job, for most of them threw all shit to me and emerged sort-of less troubled. And they said thank you, and they walked off, and continued living their lives like before, leaving that rubbish bin which once took in their rubbish, behind.
Now, the doctor is sick. Now, the rubbish bin is overflowing.
Who's there to heal? Who's there to take in all the crap I'm having?
The ghosts of the past, they are haunting me. Why can't they just leave me alone, let me live my life like nothing happened?
Because memories follow us, where ever we go, and they can't be spliced away and discarded like the introns.
It's really like TV shows. You know those drama when people try to move on, but certain things just remind them of the past they try to forget, and they sort of get stuck in a daze because those flashes of the past resurfaced before them? I used to think it's for the dramatic effect but little had I known it happens in real life too.
It happened to me. Not once. Not twice.
And every time people around me say something related to things that used to matter, I would somehow see the past happening right before me. So TV shows are real too.
Maybe I was a life buoy initially. He clung onto me, to save his dying soul.
But salvation is found, so I'm no longer of any use and importance anymore.
"I've tried to give myself chances to love you more everyday, yet I don't see any."That has got to be the best excuse ever in existence. So politely phrased, yet it stabs right through. Earth shattering it sounded. I swayed a little at my seat.
It's depressing to know that the one you treasure so much doesn't hold you as dear as you do. Sometimes I even look in my mirror to find an idiot staring at me.
So many unfulfilled plans. So many unkept promises.
"I'll be there when you need me." How ancient that sounds now.
How is he doing, I wonder. He hasn't spoken since our last correspondence.
Could he be thinking about what we had like how I occassionally think of it?
Did he look back at the pictures we snapped?
Or maybe he's resumed his life like the way it was with no reservations at all, and acting like nothing happened.
Oh just when have we resort to formalities. Back to square one, when we were barely strangers then.
My acting skills are too poor to be able to pretend nothing has happened, and nothing has changed. Because I can't.
Something happened, and
something changed. And it's important not to forget.
Joey Yung took six months to recover (in her song). I guess I should be able to do better.
