This is the day. The day is here. No, this isn't THE day the day you're probably thinking about, but this is the day the day I said I'll go back to Singapore. Due to some miscalculations regarding the time taken for the journey I ended up arriving in Singapore two hours earlier than predicted. In the end, I trudged all the way to Jurong East to be picked up by someone I didn't quite recognize. Still, thanks KuanQing and KS for offering me some shelter!

If you think I'm gonna spill ANYTHING about the impending thing that keeps getting under my skin(quoted from Aulia), you are WRONG. This is a much out-dated post about something I have long wanted to blog about.

But my thoughts are too disorganized to be composing an organized post. I guess I shall ditch the idea then, or save it for the future.

Some people are born to be princesses. They are always living inside a shell of protection, with a rosy picture of everything in their lives. Their existence is to receive all the love from everyone they meet, and everything is so perfect because fairytales belong to them.

Some people are born to be witches. They never have a happy ending in fairytales because they don’t belong there. Instead, they live best in the ugly reality where “there is no ever, ever after.”

Time and again, there are people who walk into my life, making it so beautiful that it looks almost like a fairytale duplicate. The things they do, the surprises they give, are all telling me I am a princess – to be protected, to be cherished, to be loved. I was gullible enough to believe I was really one.

Yet time and again, there are people who storm out of my life, leaving a carcass behind of what used to be a very rosy fantasy.

The question is, why are things that happen often prove to be the opposites of one another?

I guess I have found the answer as soon as I awoke from my lengthy dream.

The reality is – I am a witch. So I am actually born a witch, who tries to live in a fairytale make-believe, and go on pretending I was (or could be) a princess. That is why my happy end never comes. Because I don’t belong there.

I’m a witch, so I thrive best in this ugly world. Therefore the uglier the reality proves to be, the better I’ll live my life.

It's midnight again. I'm awake. The usual recent midnight emo attack is here. That's why I'm here.

I once said - I'm a doctor, I heal.
People come to me when they get hurt. I'd spend some time on diagnosis and the rest on fixing it. I excel in my job, for most of my patients recovered from whatever hurt they suffered. And they said thank you, and they walked off, and continued living their lives like before, leaving the doctor who once healed them, behind.

I once said - I'm a rubbish bin. Dump whatever shit you don't want to me, and you'll feel better.
People come to me when they can't take in any stress anymore. I'll make myself available for them to discard whatever crap they don't want in their lives, to lighten the burden they carry. I excel in my job, for most of them threw all shit to me and emerged sort-of less troubled. And they said thank you, and they walked off, and continued living their lives like before, leaving that rubbish bin which once took in their rubbish, behind.

Now, the doctor is sick. Now, the rubbish bin is overflowing.
Who's there to heal? Who's there to take in all the crap I'm having?

The ghosts of the past, they are haunting me. Why can't they just leave me alone, let me live my life like nothing happened?
Because memories follow us, where ever we go, and they can't be spliced away and discarded like the introns.

It's really like TV shows. You know those drama when people try to move on, but certain things just remind them of the past they try to forget, and they sort of get stuck in a daze because those flashes of the past resurfaced before them? I used to think it's for the dramatic effect but little had I known it happens in real life too.

It happened to me. Not once. Not twice.

And every time people around me say something related to things that used to matter, I would somehow see the past happening right before me. So TV shows are real too.

Maybe I was a life buoy initially. He clung onto me, to save his dying soul.
But salvation is found, so I'm no longer of any use and importance anymore.

"I've tried to give myself chances to love you more everyday, yet I don't see any."
That has got to be the best excuse ever in existence. So politely phrased, yet it stabs right through. Earth shattering it sounded. I swayed a little at my seat.

It's depressing to know that the one you treasure so much doesn't hold you as dear as you do. Sometimes I even look in my mirror to find an idiot staring at me.
So many unfulfilled plans. So many unkept promises.
"I'll be there when you need me." How ancient that sounds now.

How is he doing, I wonder. He hasn't spoken since our last correspondence.
Could he be thinking about what we had like how I occassionally think of it?
Did he look back at the pictures we snapped?
Or maybe he's resumed his life like the way it was with no reservations at all, and acting like nothing happened.
Oh just when have we resort to formalities. Back to square one, when we were barely strangers then.

My acting skills are too poor to be able to pretend nothing has happened, and nothing has changed. Because I can't. Something happened, and something changed. And it's important not to forget.

Joey Yung took six months to recover (in her song). I guess I should be able to do better.

Today is a special day. It marks the end of Chinese New Year 2008, as well as the nineteenth and twentieth anniversaries of being born for some significant people who marched (yes, MARCHED) into my ordinary life.

And therefore today's post will be a dedication board. So if you are into reading about my series of unfortunate events, you may just excuse yourself.
Let's start with the youngest, shall we?

Kylie Ho Wylie
I just love to mess up your name. Who ask your name to be so easily rhymed with random words, haha. Now that you've gotten yourself a job, you can shop more with less guilt! Okay as if you ever felt guilty when you shopped with your dad's money...
To the more emo thing: thanks for making the past two years happening man. I have to admit, those little gossiping sessions about 'outstanding' figures in the school never failed to make my day! And I'm so honoured to have you as my 'gossip kaki'. Do grow taller alright (I confess there's hidden sarcasm inside HAHAHAHA). I do hope we'll get to meet up often and gossip again in future.
Those were the days...

Emily Ai Mei Li
No, her family name is not 'Ai' at all. Yes, I messed up with her name, as usual. I doubt this soh poh will ever get to read this in time. But in any case, I shall read my dedications.
DO NOT grow any taller, anymore. You can expand parallel to the horizontal axis for all you want, but NOT taller please! I don't want to look like a drawf standing beside you =D Can't believe we've known each other for SEVEN years? (although before J1 we were from the same primary school but we weren't close then) Oh gosh. Alright I take back what I said about horizontal expansion because YOU LOOK GREAT IN THAT FIGURE OF YOURS right now, so KEEP THAT UP! I hope we can meet up more often and continue the laughing fits we always get ourselves into!
Those were the days...

You
What am I to say now? What is done can never be undone. Now all I can do is to reminisce.
Those were the days...

A very BIG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to all three iconic figures above! May the added age add exponential joy and bliss to your lives!

If there's a genie right here, right now, asking me what I want the most, I'd say please give me a piano.

And I thought I was apathetic, but turns out there are some tears that could not be suppressed. That's why I need something to hit on - something that doesn't hit me back no matter how hard I smack.

I promised I won't be a ball of mucus. So I'll try not to be one as far as possible.

These two days have been a blast for me. I laughed like I have never laughed for years. Finally.

First of all we have finally a time to get together after being apart for four years. Four years was how long it was, and four years was what it took for each and every one of us to grow. From a naive, happy-go-lucky schoolgirls and boys we have been through events that, over time, play vital roles in reshaping and remodelling our characters. So our thinking processes, our perspectives, the paths we are taking diverged. Jings a hard core Aussie babe who's firm in her beliefs, Hong's become true blue Japan fan who loves everything about that place other than the girls, ZhOng's now a big boy who's ditched that little 'boy boy' he used to be, while me...let's just say that I'm more than what I was then.

Yet despite all the difference there's still some constant that lingered - the way we so easily jumped into conversations, the way topics after topics surfaced, and the way we made each other feel so at ease and comfortable.

Somehow I saw the change in myself over the years as we were so deeply immersed in our conversations last night. I used to be the girl who looked the the world through a rosy window, and wouldn't really want to reject others' requests. But look what I am now - strong and firm in my beliefs, stand up till the end for things that in my opinion, are right - according to people around me. I am no longer the meek little kitten I used to be.
******

Since Hong was down with flu, ZhOng got it after we left, and Jing's nose was running like mad today, it'll be phenomenal if I managed to escape the bug. So as a result, I caught a flu with symptoms so different from the three of them, but scary enough to be having cold sweatdrops amidst the chilly weather. And the world sort of spun around me for a minute or two, so I decided (after my grandma's repeated suggestions) to ditch the 1830 bus and take another one back to KL tomorrow.

And I say, everything I encountered these few days was so uncannily connected, or related. There've been quotes by various people - people who care. They may just be any other statement these people made to defend their points, but these statements came through as something worth pondering, something wise.

From KEN:
Hate not the players in the game (of love) but the game itself.

From ShuM:
... it really sucks to keep telling yourself that there's hope when your faith's swaying...
(I'm not pissed at him already) Why? Is it sadness turns into anger to apathy?

And some ghost in some chinese drama:
To be the only one pushing the relationship forward is extremely taxing. A fruitful one only blossoms if both parties are standing on the same page to put equal amount of effort.

Of course, both KEN and the ghost said that in Chinese. I'm just the translator again. But you can't just agree less with the ghost, can you? Nothing is ever gonna turn out well if both parties aren't standing on the same page to begin with.
******

I've forgotten exactly when I started not to get upset anymore.
No 'Good Mornings' 'Good night' nor 'how are you darling'.
I've forgotten exactly when they don't make any difference anymore.
Whether I was in your mind, or I was no where in your agenda.

Are you so sick of me? Am I not important? or Am I just paranoid?
Those questions used to haunt me like an old ghost.
Someone must have given me an amulet, for the ghosts are gone.
The sky is clear ahead.
Since when have I gotten so brave?

Really? Was it really bravery?
What about weeks of self-debates and mid-night emo attacks?
Perhaps it was just a false front.
I am brave, to hide the cowardice.
I am happy, for I don't want to be seen bawling like a baby.
I am strong, because I hate to be weak.
How do you know, how can you tell, that what I look like is what I am?

It's self defense.

I thank every single breathing organism who stood by me, giving me light, and grabbing me tight everytime my knees gave way to the ugly reality. You guys were really there, watching over me. When I was weak, you showed support. When I felt hopeless, at least you pushed me on. As well as messages that come at unexpected hours telling me I'm not alone and together we'll stand. How could I say? You people are the best present I can ever ask for.

Why, is the seed thought to have taken root, not growing at all?
Ah, perhaps I should just remove it, and take some time to fill that hole which used to house that little seed.

So, it is coming to light. All the reasons behind delayed replies or no replies at all. All the reasons behind the indifference and lack of enthusiasm at the other side of the line. As well as all the confusions I get when the present is so different from the past.

I get it. As busy people we are we have commitments we can never finish counting. That makes phone conversation hasty and at the same time, empty, because our minds are still thinking about different commitments we have, than to be focusing on the person on the other side of the line. So what used to be a natural past-time has morphed into a habitual yet mandatory socializing session - a 'Hi' 'Bye' 'Good morning' and 'Good night' routine.

Yet we must have gotten so busy, that our schedules have been so utterly packed, that such mandatory socializing sessions have become unappealing to continue anymore, and soon there's no more 'Good mornings' because, well, it should be understood that by the time the clock strikes eleven everybody should have woken up. There's no more 'Hello how are you today?' because idiot will know that no news is good news and well, everybody just repeats their daily routine so there's nothing to answer the 'how are you today' question other than 'I'm fine thank you'. Ah, then at first the only remaining thing that's sweet is the goodnight wishes. But then again we must have gotten so tired by the time we are going to bed, that the task of picking up the phone and typing a message becomes extraordinarily laborious - good enough to kill.

So in the end, we just forget about it. Because no news is good news, isn't it? So we take it as everything's good and pretty over the other side.

Ah, so I finally know the reason behind such prolonged silence from the other side.
...I have lots of commitments... not because I want it.
Ah, a busy man, is he not. Finally it's clear. He's got so many commitments, so many such that it's a chore to share.

And amongst the commitments of his, there isn't any by the name 'IVY'.

I can see clearly now that the fog is gone. I'm not offering myself to be hurt, anymore.

February 14th just brushed me by. It's 15th now.

Happy Valentine's everybody. When I was unattached Valentine's was a day to go crazy and publicly display affection to anybody you want regardless of sex. It was hell fun saying 'I LOVE YOU' to every 'honey', 'darling' and 'dear' you see. I still remember all the pre-Valentine's little art sessions, trying to make something for everyone I treasure. That included you.

But things are very different this year. I must say, forcefully holding back my tears, that this is the most uneventful Valentine's ever. No presents aside (I can't expect much now that I'm isolated from the rest of the world), everything that happened was everything that happens everyday. THERE. WAS. NOTHING. DIFFERENT.

Not until a call, from none other than Aulia, which reminded me that in some corner of this globe, I was still thought of on this special day. That was really a great consolation. Aulia you really rock, buddy! I really, truly, madly, deeply appreciate that.

I believe, that when there's a will, there's a way. It's either you want to do it, or not. It is as simple as that. Aulia was the best example. Distance doesn't matter a thing if you truly care. And if you don't, standing right in front of you won't mean a thing either.

So I'm giving more thoughts into excecuting that little 'plan' I conceived of late. Angel Ivy, I'm sorry, but reality tells me now and then faith isn't real at all. It is not that I'm succumbing to obstacles and challenges, but I've got to do what's best for myself, and Devil Ivy has a point in that.

First of all, I think I owe all of you an explanation for such a long disappearance. Now that it's the festive season again, there should be lots of interesting happenings and therefore there should be much to blog about, so there shouldn't be any reason for cobwebs to appear around here.

But it was precisely because of Chinese New Year, my Wednesday got so busy that I nearly forgot to breathe, and my family moved to Tanjung Rambutan (NOT the Hospital Bahagia, thank you) to stay with my relatives - a place where internet sounds futuristic, and not to mention moving in and out of the kitchen all day long without substitutes. Now now, let me catch my breath. So, that should be a good excuse.

Now, now, a very Happy Chinese New Year to everyone who sees this, regardless of race, language or religion (for all you know, I do have readers of other races *winks*). May the new year bring prosperity beyond measurements and pleasant surprises beyond expectations!

Ah, that sounds like what I wish for - alot alot of money, and ... something that may not come true.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, what's the truest and greatest joy of them all?

Tell me not of being the fairest, for that is only superficial; yet tell me not of great wealth, for wealth is never satisfying. The truest joy of them all happens when you find what you lose, and understand how much it means to you.

It is when something's gone, only then we realize we how we never treasured them when we still had them. Only then we know we once had them. Only then we know how much they mean to us because of how empty we feel without them, only to realize it's all too late. But we don't want to feel empty, we want them back, so we seek. And after rounds of disappointment and frustration, we finally succeed. And then, looking at what we've regained, knowing that we will never take them for granted anymore, feeling so relieved they are finally back in our possession - these, are what make the truest joy. Because it comes when you are most honest with yourself.

Remember this - life is a long stretch of searching? This time, I add in:
because we never know what we've got til it's gone, so we constantly seek what we've lost.

Did you lose something recently?

Tick, tock, tick, tock
There goes the clock.
Sitting up there on the wall
Watching me getting so bored.

Anxious. Anticipating. Eager.
Yet, bored.

You know how those people advise you to keep yourself busy to keep unpleasant memories at a distance?

I used to scoff at it, thinking it was just another excuse made by escapists to justify their cowardice, for they had no guts to face their problems and take them on. Looking at the previous sentence, I ought to agree with somebody there IS arrogance in my speech. But why do you care? It's me, me, and me. Not you. Besides, those who know me know, that I wouldn't be nice to people I don't like. So if you find me arrogant, perhaps you should look at yourself first, before picking on me.

RAWR. To be thinking of that worthless person really spoils my mood and my day. PUH.

On to the subject of the day - escapism.

From the moment I bid my housemate goodbye, silence was my only companion til now. Read from somewhere, that the reason unpleasant memories get to us first is because these unpleasant memories are constantly rehashed, either by similar happenings around us or we are constantly reminded through conversations. So these unpleasant thoughts are like ghosts of the past, that appear and haunt our minds especially when we are alone, and when our minds wander aimlessly.

Something that fell short of my expectation got the better of me this morning, so my day did not start off good. Yet there was so much to be done, so much accounts to be cleared, too many things happening simultaneously. My mind was so preoccupied to be dwelling into unpleasant thoughts.

And after I finally finished everything at hand, it was time for dinner preparation. Well, I thought, it is my turn to shoulder this responsibility for once, and thus began my zooming in and out of the kitchen. The whole process - washing the vege, cooking the dishes, and cleaning up - took almost an hour and dinner was ready. Throughout that one hour there was nothing other than cooking in my mind.

So I've got to agree, that by forcing your mind into thinking about getting something done, you spend your time more productively than to let it wander loose and bring you back memories you'll die to forget.

I will prevail, and I will survive, no matter what the world brings me.
Like what Timon said, "If the world turn their backs on you, YOU turn your back on them!"

That's why I always love Disney. They never fail to impress, entertain, and enlighten me.

Ever wondered why people describe places immediately after a sale as 'swept by tornado'? Because, they really look like one.

There's this shop in Times Square which sells everything in the house at RM15. There were bubble dresses, cocktail dresses, interesting tops, a variety of bottoms and jeans, AND a massive crowd. Of course, Miss Shopaholic joined the tornado league.

People - shop assistants and customers alike - were moving everywhere, pulling pieces after pieces off the racks and putting pieces after pieces back on the racks. Everybody was just so busy in the shop - the assistants were busy trying to make everything as orderly as possible (I regarded that as time-wasting) while everybody else was busy grabbing every other piece they saw to make sure they did not lose out on anything.

I combed through every single rack, and lay my hands on almost every design in the house. Come on, cocktail dresses and bubble dresses for RM15 each? Are you doing justice to yourself to not buy? Plus, they didn't look cheapo at all. What more could I ask for! Yet I knew very well, in the event I listened to Miss Shopaholic, Miss Stupidity would be skinned and fried, and most probable stuck onto the ceiling for bringing home something useless. Of course, they don't see the difference in marginal cost, that's why they'll disregard those dresses. What to do, they don't study Econs. HAH.

The process of elimination was again, a painful one. I was all the while debating with myself which one to let go, and the conclusion was, Miss Stupidity is a greedy girl who wants everything she fancies. I just couldn't let go of any piece! Most fortunately, Miss Rational took control eventually and only got one piece - the type of top I have yet to include in my wardrobe.

And now I'm beginning to yearn for those I did not buy.

Wouldn't the world be nice if money is like air, that you can take as much you want?
***
Listen to the lyrics...
It's not enough to take the one you love for granted
You must remind her or she'll be inclined to say
'How do I know, he loves me?'
'How do I know, he's mine?'

I can't wait for its DVD to be released. I promise this time, for once, I'll support original and shun piracy.

But just for this one. HEH.

I call it therapy, you might call it time-wasting efforts.
I typed something at first, but was too proud yet too cowardly to post it here.
But everytime I fall into such trap, it is this which eases my pain.

M U S I C

They do wonders. They numb the senses. They bring and envelope you with new emotions, til you are completly infected and unable to resist anymore. And you fall into a vortex, where you just sink deeper and deeper, until you are cut off from reality.

Now this piece becomes my therapy.

<<心淡>> 容祖儿
想不起 怎么会病到不分好歹
-Can't recall, how I got so sick
连受苦都甜美
-To even find joy amidst agony
我每日捱著 不睬不理
-I kept it mum all this while, and you didn't give it a damn
但却捱不死
-Yet I prevailed
又去痴缠你
-And brought myself up to you again
难道终此一生 都要这么
-Must my whole life be
不可争一口气
-So low-lying and unworthy
很谦卑 只不过是我太过爱你
-Being so humble, for I love you too much
连自尊都忘记
-To preserve my dignity
跌到极麻木 只好相信
-I can only believe that after so many falls
又再爬得起
-As long as I'm able to get up
就会有转机
-Dawn will come one day
若我不懂憎你 如何离别你 亦怕不会飞
-Yet how am I to leave you had I not grown to hate you?
由这一分钟开始计起 春风秋雨间
-From this second onwards, for seasons to come
恨我对你以半年时间 慢慢的心淡
-In six months time, to put you behind
付清 账单
-Clearing all debts
平静的对你热度退减
-Gradually, feeling less and less
一天一点伤心过 这一百数十晚
-Wallow in sadness, for a few hundred nights
大概也够我 送我来回地狱又折返人间
-Should be enough for me to go through everything
春天分手 秋天会习惯
I'll get used to the break up when fall befalls
苦冲开了便淡
-It'll get less bitter as I move on

Alright, laugh all you want. This is my futile attempt in translating the lyrics of a song which affects me so much. My vocab is so limited, and I'm mostly doing point-to-point translation. Laugh all you want.

But I must be a sadist, because time and again I choose to do something just to get upset in the end, or choose to do something which I know will be a disappointment. Time and again, I've offered myself to be cut, deeper and deeper everytime.

To SHUMING:
Please don't be surprised, don't be alarmed, but yes, I changed song, AGAIN.

To the rest who just came here after such a LONG time:
I've changed song, just in case you don't even realize. Tsk, how dare you not visit my enchanted forest for so long! Shame on you. Better tagg me to compensate, HAH.

Something my auntie mumble today which struck me particularly deep:
"Life is a long stretch of searching for things."

Of course, when she said that, she was referring to her frequent short term memory loss that resulted in her absent-mindedness. She needed to read something and apparently she could not locate her glasses, which later I found sitting pretty comfortable beside her bed. That means, she took it off before taking a nap and after that, she forgot completely about her glasses, way til she needed them again.

Searching, and searching. Life is a long stretch of searching.
Who would just beg to differ? If you do, think again.

Since young we were conditioned to look into our future, envision an ideal one for ourselves, and then spend our whole life projecting into the future. We are in constant search for the better - better education, better pay, better life. We seek more business opportunity which yields greater profits and with that, greater wealth. We have all seen and experienced for ourselves what money can do, and how modern living is a game for the rich. And then we want a bigger, better house, and then... and then...

Since young we've been told of fairytales that ends with '... and they lived happily, ever after', so unknowingly, we want one for ourselves too. Remember the time when you were little, and silently wished upon a falling star, for a 'happy ever after' just like the one in fairytales? I do. Then the media have bombarded us with enough dramas and movies that tell of romantic love stories of various forms and languages. The quest in search of 'THE ONE' and happy ever after in reality has since begun. So we meet different people, tried different things, get into different relationships, all for the sake of searching for the happy ending we have long envisioned when we were little. However more you may deny, but deep down inside you do know, and you do believe, that there might be a fairytale somewhere hidden for you, thus, you search again.

In the process of searching, however, we could have just missed out little blessings along the way. Sometimes, because we are a little too hard-headed, or because we grip on too tightly, that we missed out delicate things that could change our lives. And when you realize these little blessings are gone, you'll sigh, 'It was SO CLOSE'.

Yes, we could be just SO CLOSE to anything, and everything. At times we just take things for granted because they are always there. Experiences tell us that we don't realize the importance until it's lost. We could be SO CLOSE to a multi-million business, but because we looked too hard, looked too far, we overlooked it, for it's concealed near us.

Or, we could be on the quest for THE ONE, but missing out on people who actually mean the world to us, just because they've been around, and we just looked too far.

Perhaps, we should all put on corrective glasses for our inherent hyperopia, and see clearly what - and who - is around, and start to see their importance.

Life is a long stretch of searching, because we are all born hyperopic.

MissyIvy
A Cynic with passion for
the Art of Sarcasm
Chemist in training

Do Better Nails
World Peace
AIDS Free
most importantly,
Finish Everything ON TIME! and
try not to be late

Why Clairebear Joyce ShuM Ziewearn Dan Kylie Eug

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