“恋爱中的女人有患得患失的权利”
Someone said so. Or someone wrote so.
The phrase touches on insecurity – the very insecurity that results in fear. Fear of the unknown, and not knowing why you are experiencing fear as well.
Mayhap the only constant is change. Maybe, my expectations changed. Maybe, my way of doing stuffs changed. Maybe, my principles changed. Or maybe, this is the real me. Surprise, surprise.
Not quite.
If the only way to gauge the cost for faith is to experience and see for yourself how much you are actually paying, then I do not know if I should hold on to faith, and bear the cost that gets progressively more, or just let mistrust take over and be spared of any cost that might entail.
Give and take, that’s the nature of life, they say. Happiness from giving is most fulfilling, the benevolent and magnanimous says. Happiness that comes from solely taking is only momentary, they justify as such. Yet, call me selfish whatever, but you can’t just live on promised sunshine and air. However much you want to keep your level of optimism, deep down inside there’s still a desire to hold on to something – something solid – that would serve as a reassurance, as a consolation, a tranquilizer to calm the heart.
Which is especially true and important to girls, is it not? We want to know, if ‘we’ matter, or if ‘we’ are of any special importance. Any at all, that would be great. Just how many of us girls out there, after a long dreadful day, just a single sweet little message from ‘him’ showing concern will be able to restore the smile that’s lost after unhappy experiences. Just a simple gesture to know that we are still of
some importance is sufficient. And THAT, will just be the perfect reassurance, the perfect consolation, the perfect tranquilizer.
It just hurts, somehow, to find that I’m getting more and more distant from his life. Maybe I’m just paranoid, or having the tendency to dwell into unhappy thoughts, or whatever that may suggest. But hey, this is good to show that he matters to me. What about me then?
What went wrong, I asked. Things were pleasant when we were in Singapore. He had never made me feel much upset, and he was always there.
Despite saying so much, I choose to trust instead of questioning. Stupid girl, am I not. So here I am, bearing the cost of faith, once more.
A friend of me said, “Unless he says game over, never lose your faith over trivial matters”.
