CDDDE.
I can't even form any word with the letters above. I remember how We used to joke around about my friend's DEAD, making fun of how much a pro he was, getting such an amusing grade.
Of course, those were the times I knew not of failure. Indeed, I knew not of failure before I came here. And even when I failed, nothing affected my carefree joker character, and I would continue my day like nothing happened.
Until now, I know not of scoring as much as I knew not of failure in the past. It's as if, the tables were turned, and I'm positioned at the opposite end from where I used to stand.
For the n-th time in this month, I donated $1.60 to Fairprice Express in exchange for a therapeutic ice-cream. It's become a habit, to turn to icecreams when the odds are against me. And it's becoming more a habit of mine, to let myself experience failure time and again, and resort to icecreams in the end, when I know the icecreams are just for show only. It makes me think I'm feeling better, in the process denying myself of negative thought.
That's how ice creams work for me. I'll just go psycho myself while gobbling it down, psycho myself that the sun is still as bright, and so is my future. An escapist, am I not. Miraculously, I've deceived myself well these two years. Yet, a dream remains a dream. There'll be a day you wake up, and find youself sprawled in blinding reality.
This is the day. For me. Everything defied me - even myself.
I can't chuckle and say it's gonna be better anymore, because everything I see tells a different story. How am I not to worry about my life, when, if CDDDE is gonna be printed on my cert and that's my label and that's going to represent me for the rest of my life. If I'm gonna go into this society that practices meritocracy, based on that five alphabets I've got, I'm so gonna be a universe away from my interest. I can just go jump and die.
On a superficially unrelated, yet somehow affected subject, I can't understand why people practice double standards. Or rather, I'm just too plain, too simple, or straight to the point, I'm just being too stupid to comprehend the complexity of human relations.
