After rounds of postponements and delays I finally set foot on ICA's grounds for the first time since the day I came to Singapore. Though I've passed by that particular building for more times than my fingers and toes could count, I have not the slightest idea of how it looks like inside.
Packed to the brim is the right phrase. Lucky me, I had the privilege of bypassing all queues to get my application through. That's the wonder of an invitation letter, folks.
This is gonna be a whiney post. Proceed at your own risk.
Surprises. Are meant to surprise you, shake you off the grounds you are standing on. Some are mild - they just give you a momentary heart arrest. But worry not, it will start beating as per normal again the next second. Others are catastrophic - your eyeballs just roll out of their sacks and your heart stops beating, and you just forget to breathe even. Then your ground shakes, like earthquake, like volcano eruption. If a surprise is surprisingly detrimental enough, like what I had today, you might even find yourself melting in lava that is engulfing you at a rate too fast to be measured.
I have slow reaction time. The reality of my grades was revealed once Econs grades came into view. Yet the full realization came much later, meaning AFTER I got out of ICA.
Surprised again, to find the downs went up, and the ups plunged down. I tried telling different people the same thing, and gathered different responses. Like a sudden flash of white light, I got it. Lesson learnt: never complain to those who will make you sulk even more. Or was I just too pessimistic?
Pessimism - just a wave of negative thoughts that swiped across, like dementors would to joy, that suck all optimism out of you. Yes I am noisy, yes I am hahaha and lalala and happy. But I can't go hahaha today without having to first swallow the gulp of bitter burn in the nose.
I must say that I'm in quite a good control of my facial expression. For I can easily change them as and when I want to, and as and when people around me want me to. But I'm getting tired, so allow me to take my mask off here. And let me BREATHE.
Since my mood went a little haphazard today(and luckily I was all alone so no casualties reported) the best therapy was of course retail therapy. No, don't judge me yet, I've still got more to say. Parkway seemed free and easy, so I sort of roamed the entire place, light as a feather, lifeless as a corpse. There seemed to be more colours and vibrancy than I expected, yet they did little to help. I walked in and out of Watsons, and MiniToons, and Sasa, Guardian, Giant and so on. None seemed attractive enough.
Things floated by. Memories flashed across. Thoughts surfaced. I stopped, to find that I was in front of Cold Storage.
Give it a try, Ivy. And great, it did wonders. I felt good inside cold storage. Everything seemed happy. All the fruits and nectarines and strawberries and vegees were smiling and waving at me.
Hi. Then, it hit me again, after I passed the fruits and vege section.
Am I asking for too much? Could I not compromise any further and prevent this from happening? Why did I cut the very string I started weaving in the first place? And what am I thinking to be thinking about it again?We do things for a reason. But as it becomes a habit, we gradually forget why we are doing it.
And more often than not, I can't recognize who I am without a mask.
Who is Ivy? Is she who you see she is? Is she really who you think she is?
And who do you think she is? Someone would please do me a favour by shedding some light? Will someone come take me home, to where I am most true?
Christin's surprise visit was surprising. It was like living my B220 years again.
