If blogging is a drug, then the best description of my mood now is this - an addict who was forced to stay away from her drug has just got her dose, and a BIG dose, of that drug.
Argh~ sigh of relief and liberation. I've gotta prepare for my cheesecake in where else but Cafe Cartel and with who else but Taitai. Told you blogging is a drug and I'm the addict because I just could not wait a few hours more, after my cheesecake. I've just gotta blog for the sake of doing it.
And now, would you please excuse me. To be continued...
*** ***
Looks like my estimation of time taken to cover a certain distance isn't exactly that accurate. Or so I thought it takes less than ten minutes to get to Cafe Cartel, but I was almost ten minutes late. Still, it did not affect the level of satisfaction we derived from consuming half-priced-with-ten-percent-discount cake. If you ask me, human brains still outperform machines in terms of simple calculation and accuracy. Because ten percent of 13.16 is 1.316, but the machine stated 0.41, which is like, hello, one third what it should be. If you see stars at the digits being mentioned worry not - what I was saying was, they gave us only one third of the total discount we should receive.
But since I'm a generous person and I had no intention of being 'auntified' by claiming back that two third of discount they owed us, we just left the restaurant after much discussion of what ten percent should really be. And besides, we did not know student discount is ten percent. All the while we thought it to be 5. So in the end of the day we still had 5 percent more, which will be decreased to 3 percent with effect from 1st July, no special thanks to the GST hike here.
If you must know, Taitai had a Bitter Chocolate something something Fudge, while I feasted on Tiramisu. Tiramisu tasted like, well, tiramisu, but Taitai's was like a block of chocolate. Ooh so yummy.
I could not blog til now, because immediately after I reached the hostel (oh, past curfew of course)we feasted our eyes on hot guys again. Yes, the most beloved Prison Break season two. The drama marathon ended at five something this morning, and two sleepy pigs zonked out after that. The construction indulges in a perverse joy of waking me up before the stipulated time, always. Today was no exception. I planned to only rise after ten, and they successfully did it one hour earlier. RAWR!
*** ***
If I am an axon, then action potential is my take on relationships. It's an all or nothing event, propagated laterally, in this case means over time.
So usually, my cell membrane maintains a resting potential. It's constant throughout time, maintained by continuous movement of sodium and potassium ions across gated channels. It's like people moving in and out in your life. Then here comes the event, that triggers an impulse, a spark in my terminology. It depolarizes the membrane, and action potential may be initiated.
However, the workings of an axon is this. Yes, an impulse (spark) is able to depolarize the membrane, but a minimum threshold potential must be reached before anything can happen next. Once it's crossed, you'll confirm get full depolarization, and an AP is generated. So yeah, basically, it's either you don't get any AP because it did not reach threshold potential, or you'll get a full AP. Nothing is like getting half of this half of that.
So there's no such thing as 'try try first, we'll see next'. Because this very idea reduces a beautiful relationship to nothing. Because you aren't giving your best to make it work. Because you are uncertain.
I don't know if you people understand me. Being a Leo I always have knots in the tongue when it comes to expressing myself in times of frustration and.. maybe irritation. If you don't then, sigh, well, sorry for wasting so much of ur precious time here. You may take your leave.
It's paradoxical amidst global warming, the seed looks like it's trying to survive through Ice Age. A seed meant for a tropical plant, I really don't know if it will survive through this. After talking to Taitai and thinking it over, sigh, I think the best for both the seed and I is to remove it from my backyard, and give it to someone else. Since I could do nothing to make it grow, there's no point holding on. Let go, and may it find another owner.
Meanwhile, I shall go prepare for an eventful today!
Sunday, June 24, 2007 11:31
I hereby introduce you to the song that mesmerizes my eyes, lock my brain, and the owner of that voice which never fails to grab my attention.
And this, is my new-found favourite. Nothing is like him singing that song, as if he was talking to me. OK, I'm fantasizing.
Now lo and behold, and be thrown back to your seat as he sings!
Theoretically, this should remain the first post you see once you land on the realm of shattered dreams and untold fairytales. Until thursday, maybe? Since I'm a good girl I will study. Yes.
But, as science students we are all aware of the fact that theories don't exactly hold true in reality. Just like Gas Law (I stumbled upon it when I was flipping my friend's notes, just to exclaim 'Oh My still got Gas Law!' Yup, that's my level of preparation for the most dreaded JCT. Eew.) gases are never ideal in the real world and so gas law is just inserted in our ALevel syllabus because they want us to be more idealistic.
See you on Thursday then!
Saturday, June 23, 2007 23:33
A question was raised, I'm looking for its answer.
What's with us as Leos by the way? We laugh it off when it's funny, we flame when we are annoyed, but we do nothing in times of sorrow. That just doesn't seem to be right, does it? Leos feel the hurt inflicted, but are always clueless how to express it out. As a result, they wallow in sadness, alone and silently, and let emotions take over, but with a hard protective shield all over that disguises all expressions beneath.
It happens naturally. As it would a reflex, the shield encapsules the entire body in a fraction of a second. I guess it's in the blood that Leos are strong creatures, therefore being known as 'strong' they take no chance in showing their vulnerability.
So what do they do? They either do nothing, or they do nonsense. Like, speaking nonsense. People find others to lament, to complain, or plainly to let somebody know of their plight. But when Leos try to do that, they find themselves scrambling for words. So they speak incomplete sentences, because they are at loss for words. Or they eventually end up with a whole lot of rubbish which is so not related to the subject, because they don't even know which words are most appropriate. What is spoken becomes nonsense, and it gradually becomes a nuisance. (Oh it rhymes!)
***
We talked about a whole lot of things today. People change with time; perceptions change with time; even principles change with time. People are already planning their future as in how they are going to settle down and start a family of their own and such, when I'm down here, still standing firm on my ground. They've got a point - start a family early and settle down early to minimize the generation gap you might face with your children later. But to me, to settle down so soon is synonymous to saying I'm letting go of MY life - the life I looked forward to, the kind of life I've always wanted.
***
How do you tell if a statement is true or false? You use your analytical skills imparted in you by your educators and analyse. But the analytical part of my brain is failing. I can't tell between a real and a fake.
***
The seed is not growing. I start to panic. What if it just gives up on me? What if it just doesn't want to grow? Do you want it to gestate and bloom? Answer me, honestly. I'm well prepared to look after it, put it in a glasshouse with sufficient sunlight and water. I'm prepared to do what I can within my limits to see it bloom. But I need assurance that the seed can grow. Right now, I still don't receive any. And it's freaking me out.
I got so freaked out that I did not water it today. And neither did u):
Friday, June 22, 2007 23:22
The songs I've heard on my player are as follows:
- Everything, Michael Buble - Open Arms, Journey - Guilty, Blue - Too Little Too Late, JoJo - Girlfriend, Avril Lavigne - A Moment Like This, Kelly Clarkson - Love You So, Natalie - If You Come Back, Blue - Collide, Howie Day - Everytime, Britney Spears - 一首简单的歌, LeeHom - Way Back Into Love, Hugh Grant&Drew Barrymore - Belaian Jiwa, Innendo - 给我你的爱, TANK - 专属天使, TANK - 非你莫属, 林依晨 - Home, Michael Buble - 占有，飞轮海
That's the songs played up to now. When I listened to those songs this morning, it felt so good. But only after 12 hours, some of them felt bitter. It's a wonder how songs can convey a more accurate message than words. And some songs, when listened at the right time, you feel as if you are singing that song, because that's exactly what you feel, or what you wanna say.
And now this song "我只想要". Wah have I told you I love my shuffle player? It seems to know how I feel and what I want. The songs that play are just the right ones. Isn't it sarcastic to find that a lifeless programme in your laptop knows its owner more than someone she finds important?
And I shall say no more.
P/S: When I look back at the songs played, I begin to think my shuffle player favours English songs more than Chinese ones. Hah just a lame thought.
09:53
I woke up to the noise the construction made - and still making - which further confirms my being in Singapore, once again. The past three weeks were so happening, yet unhappening. Three weeks, 21 days, just zoomed past like that. I can barely gather everything that happened, yet so many things happened.
Yesterday I was still lamenting on how little time is left for us to do last-minute desperate mugging, and now that I am awake for near to two hours, I havent even flipped a single page of my Forex notes): What an effecient mugger I am!
A seed was sowed. Will it survive through gestation period? Will the roots form, to hold it firm in place, to withstand endless winds and rains? Will shoots form, and bring hopes of flowers blooming at the ends? Will the flowers, if they bloom, be pretty? Will it even bear a fruit?
I don't know. I can't tell. It is still a seed. Will you water it and watch it grow with me?
For a moment like this Some people wait a lifetime For a moment like this Some people search forever I can't believe it's happening to me Right now, right here, just after a roundabout.
They say time dissolves everything. I said that too. But they also say feelings intensify with absence. Now I believe. Because I was thinking about what we said last night, And I wished you were here.
On this boulevard I'm walking, but I don't know where it leads me to. The end is too far away, blurred by the unknown I can't see. But I hope that one day when I finally reached the end, I'll see you waving at me at the junction.
Thursday, June 21, 2007 00:55
Somehow over time, you'll find some things more important than they used to be. Somehow over time, some things lost is some other things gained. Somehow over time, some things that used to matter, matter no more.
Time plays trick on us. Those who've taken detours know best. We are back to square one, all over again.
This time it's different. Because we know better. We won't trip over the same root and fall anymore.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007 22:31
Secrets. Too much for one, just enough for two, and none left for three.
To try to conceal it behind a translucent glass is tiring. Or should I say, adding legs to a snake (as directly translated from a Chinese saying). People are already making out the outlines, and no sooner will they make out the entire story by intelligent inference.
Then why, Miss Stupidity, do you make that attempt? The reason is simple - I need someone to know, and I can't broadcast to the entire world. Because it's a secret.
Yes. It is never my practice to be explicit. So don't probe, alright? Read, understand, infer. That's what you do.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007 11:57
"Theng, is it this turn?" "... where are you heading?" "New house. Show me your old school." "THAT way. Take the next turn."
Because my aunt missed a right turn much earlier (and I didn't know she was going to her new house directly, I thought we were looking for good breakfast) the fastest route to get to Bercham was to pass through Chung Thye Phin road, where Ave Maria Convent sat comfortably throughout the years.
Yes, I came from a convent school.
It was a walk down memory lane. Except the fact that I wasn't walking with my own two feet. Flashes of primary school life surfaced. Faces of old school mates, close friends floated by. We were friends who shared everything - including secrets - then. But what are we now?
Only a little closer than strangers, mere acquaintances.
Discouraging how powerful time a solvent is, isn't it? Even more polar than water. It overcomes bonds that used to hold us in place, making everything infinitely dilute.
***
Hooked onto sudoku these few days. Things haven't been pleasing nor happy for me, so I seek entertainment of a different kind. Looks like my new-found interest is self sustainble enough, because every digit right is another engine driving me to get another digit right, and it goes on and on like that. My mind is so preoccupied with numbers, and that means I can take a break from unhappy thoughts and disappointments.
So numbers can do wonders, only not in exams.
***
Dad told me Kembara production has been terminated!! That means there won't be any new Kembara of the same model on the road anymore! You may raise your eyebrows but Kembara has always been my favourite car. Yes, it's just another cheap vehicle, not comparable to well-acknowledged beauties like Porche or Ferrari (I do think ferrari is a beauty). But neither porche nor ferrari has the attraction a Kembara has on me. For years before I come of age I've been imagining myself driving a Kembara around town. How cute is that! But now, this dream of mine is never gonna come true.
I saw a Kembara when I was in Bercham yesterday. The feeling is like seeing your boyfriend again after being apart for half a year. Then today I was just told Kembara is not gonna be in the production line anymore. The feeling is like your boyfriend is dead - he's not gonna come back anymore.
Dad also said a new model of Kembara is gonna be a replacement for the existing one. But then, the feeling is not the same anymore. Though the new Kembara is still called Kembara, it isn't THE Kembara I've always loved. It may be a good replacement from wheels to engine, but it is never the same Kembara again. Even with identical qualities and characters, a person is never a replacement of another.
There maybe other alternatives around, even those way better than a Kembara. Yes, who can deny the seduction of a Ferrari? It's just so sexy (especially the red one LOL). Who doesn't want the rich man's trademark i.e. the Mercedez and BMW? But once you found THE ONE for you, other more expensive and more good-looking cars are just, well, another more expensive and more good-looking car. Not a single cent more. The chinese saying goes "Why stubbornly love a flower when there is plenty of grass available under the sky?". I can tell you why. Because that's THE ONE flower you like, and in your eyes, all others have gone into oblivion, no matter how they appeal to others.
I feel empty, because Kembara is gone. I feel empty, because all that's left aren't what I want.
Car. Friends. Boys.
Sunday, June 17, 2007 14:04
How does it feel when all your words were misinterpreted and misunderstood? You turn from a reasonable person to a complete asshole.
So since I am THE asshole here, I will say no more. I don't want to stink any further. Blame it on my incompetence with words, and nothing more.
"So that means you aren't gonna be attached till your A's are over?" Most likely. Most probably.
But someone told me something like this. I'm using someone else as an excuse to not be serious about relationships. It's startling how true one's words can be.
I just want all of us to be as close as possible. But somehow to them, it's not quite possible because I'm always MIA. Do they even know what I've done to salvage something that nearly fell off them cliff?
Vanity thy name is woman. Vanity.
Friday, June 15, 2007 12:23
There and back again, in 31 hours. The past 31 hours (excluding continuous hibernation for about five hours after I reached home again) was happening. Things were really happening one after another and there were hardly any blanks in between (blanks refer to none other than stoning).
A brief summary of what actually happened in 31 hours is as follows: -7hours of polar express (why polar? Because I think the bus was either going to artic, or just came back from artic. The entire journey was so freakingly freezingly cold, that a polar bear like me needed her jacket which barely offered any help and the blanket that was.. eew.. dusty. Why express? The reason is simple - the bus was practically skiing at lightspeed on the desolated expressway. It felt syok though, despite the occassional jerks when the bus suddenly slowed down.) -sleep-walking from Farrer Park to Kallang McDonald (This is no joke. My eyes were opened but I could barely see anything because my mind was too stagnant. Kallang McD was the place where I finished the entire fillet breakfast and woke up. I woke up to the tea, and I can proudly declare that tea DOES contain caffein which wakes zombies up.) -ECP long talk with.. who else but Aulia haha. I must say morning sun wakes people up too. -Scared my roomate when I went back to my room. For a moment she thought either she was hallucinating or I was a ghost. Sidekick: Another evidence the hostel does useless things - They changed our chairs, from an uncomfortable red one to a more uncomfortable yellow one. And the new one only works for Hunchback of Notre Dame, because it is SO high that you have to bend your back low to write. -lunch with continuous lips and jaw movements with Taitai. We can really talk because we talked for more than two hours in the same cafe. -the only boring event of the day - appreciation ceremony. I fell asleep even before the ceremony started. -back to hostel for another bath, and set off for last minute shopping in PS. -embarked on another journey home when the clock struck ten.
Confusion and uncertainties. What will my take be this time? I don't even know if the answers from the mind and the heart are different.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007 23:42
Revelation of truth. It was impressively easy to take in. Such was the ease that reminded me of a sponge - a second was all it took - for the impulses to be delivered from my ear drums to my cerebrum and for the nerve cells inside to decode them.
Truths always come when you least expect them to. (I know I said that for 'surprises' too) Not to say I didn't accept it - the fact that I didn't feel much says it all - but I can't stop questioning WHY.
Why? Why must it be the person I least wanted it to be? Why must we be tried, time and again, and endure the agony of seeing Death's shadows lurking within our vicinity?
I don't know if I have the courage to face it. Seeing someone in pain is as good as suffering from it yourself. For a few times I passed by the small little door leading to a flight of stairs which will eventually bring me to her house, yet everytime I paused, and continue walking straight, walking past it. What would it be, had I made a left turn and pressed the doorbell? Would she be at home? Would she display the vibrancy she used to carry?
The uncontrollable cell division. An impending danger. And I'm here, as a student having studied immortality of cells, is unable to comprehend the work of nature, still.
I'm never to APPRECIATE it happening, despite being a work of nature. Because it robs, it snatches, it steals. Robs away a healthy life, snatches away promises one could ever possibly fulfil, and steals away expectations of the future.
Here I am, receiving the piece of news with a heart so calm which puzzles me. Enlightment, anyone?
Monday, June 11, 2007 13:52
I start to think 死性不改 by Twins and Boy'z is nice. It's sort of my theme song right now. Yes, like what the song title says, I have no intention in correcting my bad habit.
If it is a bad habit, that is.
Everything seems to come to a halt, the feeling of stagnation arises. Does time, too, come to a halt? Earth is spinning at its axis, orbiting around the sun. But we don't feel the spin, simply because it's too slow and insignificant.
It's unfolding, unweaving, coming to life. You don't feel it, doesn't mean it's not happening. Let us not see the day when the problem position itself right in front of you, and you have to acknowledge its presence because you are staring blatantly at its face.
Saturday, June 09, 2007 15:29
Call me vain, call me ego, call me a narcisst. I just can't contain my love for the above picture anymore. It's my personal favourite right now, at least it made my facial muscles pull upwards. Did it work the same for yours? I wonder. *** If you expect something funny to come out of this post, I suggest you close the window immediately. For funny is the least I want to be at the moment (despite uploading the rodent-like picture of mine which Kylie or whoever else thought was another goldfish).
The conversation over the phone with X was meaningful. At least he shared some of my sentiments pertaining to certain big issues (in my definition, of course). How sarcastic it is to find that someone whom you haven't met and talked for ages is actually the one whom you agree most to.
That makes another question about time, which, to some people, makes the 'fourth-dimension'. We are living in our 3D world, and people started questioning about the existence of the fourth dimension. And so some proposed 'time' to the the fourth. And I wonder, if time is the fourth-d, would things be different if I just, well, turned it around and go back a few years?
Of course, time ain't what I wana talk about today. Neither was it what we talked about yesterday. We talked about more serious issue. An issue which concerns you and I, and those who are directly - or even indirectly - acquainted to Miss Stupidity.
Something happened two weeks ago that sent me all the way to flames. I put the JEWELS on high priority, what I would give the entire world for. I would like to ask, what actually happened? Why, after all the stuffs I did - or tried to do - the gap just continues to widen. Not just one, but more. However much each of us denies its existence, it just continues to form, and enlarge, as crystals would in their saturated solution.
Saturation? Have we actually reached saturation point, where whatever additional effort I continue to put in never yields any visible products? I don't understand, because the term 'friendship' in my dictionary is something infinite - it never gets saturated. Why, why does reality conflict with my belief so much?
Only after a mere three years of my leaving, things are already looking like this. I don't even dare to imagine what will become of all of us after five, ten years. And to think we joked about attending each others' weddings? Come on. Won't I become another statue in your weddings?
Silently, subtly, it's creeping in between. I tried, am trying, and will keep on trying to bridge the gap time and distance created. But I hope at the other end of the valley, I'll see my JEWELS working on the same bridge.
The valley has materialized. Enlighten me, would you?
Thursday, June 07, 2007 14:56
SCREAMMMMM!!!!
I saw black stuffs in my house! And they gave the "sheeesh-sheesh" noise when wind blew. Trust me, that really made my blood run cold. After the shock I bent over and see what they were. Insects? No. They were pieces of plastics. All right, I know you people are seeing black crows circling at the ceiling now, because that was what I saw when I knew they were just plastics.
Gatsby advertisements never fail to amuse me. No matter how pissed I am or how sad I am, the sight of the advert sent me rolling on the floor laughing.
My baby brother is a baby no more. He has grown, both in height and intellect. I'm proud of him, of who he can be, and of who he is.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007 13:56
It has come to my attention what kind of news the media focuses on.
I have no problem with entertainment news. But with all papers putting heavy weights on prison life and paparazzi camping in front of a prison? With heavy coverage on something which nobody sees any value in it other than commercial profits? What's so fascinating about a person serving her jail sentence? Is it something you look up to? If you want to know why not watch Prison Break or better, end yourself up in there to get a first hand experience instead?
Yes, I'm talking about THE heiress here. Why is the media giving her so much attention, more than what they should, I would say?
I heard this on the radio just now. Somebody actually paid Paris for her diary entries during her jail term. You should see my face at that instant man. What? PAY to write diary huh? For a bimbo like that who barely uses her brains, she is actually getting paid for some primary-school level writings? And why do people actually give her attention like this?
Aren't we giving the wrong people the wrong attention? Should we not put resources into better use? Such as the media can be used to focus on world-changing events instead of someone's mundane daily life.
I can't help but shake my head in disappointment. This world should really get some brains. Or else scarcity will be brought to us at a more alarming rate.
Monday, June 04, 2007 20:24
Mr Najib changed Malay language from the usual 'Bahasa Melayu' (which means, well, MALAY language) to 'Bahasa Malaysia' (which means MALAYSIAN language). This is to promote an undifferentiated Malaysia, to promote unity among different races, and most importantly, a common identity.
An identity all of us were born with, and runs in our blood.
What an irony. Our timbalan perdana menteri works hard in attempt to bond more Malaysians together, while a large proportion of us are thinking of renouncing our citizenship to embrace another country's offer. Oh, should I say, to apply for citizenship in another country not native to us in hope of a 'world-class education' or a 'world-class living environment' or other 'world-class' stuffs. All these at the expense of denying our roots.
Whoa. That's what education has brought us to.
I'm not at any point in time, pin-pointing at any country in specific or any person in particular. I'm talking about a trend here. It's quite disheartening to see some fellow Malaysians not willing to admit their nationality with pride. It's like, something that has to be done hush-hush. Oh my. And many others are on their way to becoming some other -ans.
People have asked me if I would want to stay in other countries in future. This is synonymous to asking me if I would wana come back Malaysia in future. My answer was most likely not coming back if possible. Yeah, who would wana go back to square one when they are already hundred steps ahead? Yet, I won't renounce my citizenship like many who thought so.
I'm not the typical girl pursuing what they call 'the American dream'. Yes, I would like to have the green card very much, but I won't call the country who gave me the green card MY COUNTRY. The reason is simple - I was born a Malaysian, and I will always be one.
This is not a patriotic propaganda or whatever it may sound like. In my opinion, it's only right to be loyal to the country you are native to.
So what I'm saying after what I've said so far is, I can't help rolling eyes at those who try so hard to kick their Malaysian title away. Yes and I mean it. And I apologize if I've been harsh to any of you.
On another note, after watching So You Think You Can Dance Malaysia result show I begin to nod more in agreement to one fact - talent contests have turned into popularity contests. Those with more wealthy supporters get to keep playing. Those without, kiss goodbye.
Saturday, June 02, 2007 00:16
I'm finally back home.
You know, during Primary school times, we said things like going home after school and blablabla, without knowing what home exactly means. But after going through the torment of stopping by at every town before eventually pulling over in Ipoh, home sounded so close to heart today. The word touched my heart, literally.
For five months I've been living by myself, taking care of every little detail everyday on my own. People come and go, and I was there saying goodbyes time and again till I lost count of how many times I actually said it. At the end of the day when everything was done, I went back up to F6-18, sat on my blue bed, and did what I do best - stone. In a foreign country where the best I can be is only a permanent resident, there's hardly a place called home. There's hardly a place where I can put everything behind my head and gaze into space. There's hardly a time where I don't need to think about tomorrow. There's hardly a time when I'm totally at ease, and let every inch of muscles of mine to freeze where they are, and stop working.
In short, there's hardly a time for my little grey cells to rest.
Home feels good. Every square of the marble floor reminded me of my innocent childhood, where I learnt how to stand on two feet. Every step on the stairs showed me the process of my growing up. Oh and I nearly forgot how I used to peep at people from the stairs when I was young. And the best part of it - they did not know I was there!
You see, everytime I come home, I get all emo about home, home, and home. I just can't help it. You can't expect something sophisticated and technical to come out of a person who just endured a continuous eight hours of mobile imprisonment. Yes, I deem the bus as prison. Where I couldn't go anywhere but to stay in my seat.
This is home, truly, where I always will be.
Profile
MissyIvy
A Cynic with passion for
the Art of Sarcasm
Chemist in training
Shooting Stars
Do Better Nails
World Peace
AIDS Free most importantly,
Finish Everything ON TIME! and try not to be late
This layout is proudly made by hopmad. Images are from tumblr and flickr. Hopmad did the collage of the images with the help from GIMP and she got the textures from swimchick.
Call me vain, call me ego, call me a narcisst. I just can't contain my love for the above picture anymore. It's my personal favourite right now, at least it made my facial muscles pull upwards. Did it work the same for yours? I wonder.