Thursday, November 30, 2006 12:42
Sometimes I wonder if I am very dense. How come I can’t take simple instructions such as releasing the clutch little by little and DON’T JAM THE ACCELERATOR!
I’m still unsure whenever I enter main roads or those with many cars and traffic lights. And I usually get panicky when the light turns green. I tend to release the handbrake (which is correct) and the clutch almost totally (which is wrong). Then the car jerked, which startled me even further, and then I jammed the accelerator all the way (obviously it's WRONG)!
RAWR...
How many times must I take to do it right?
I appreciate auto cars. At least they don't mati enjin.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 12:32
时间真的可以令苦涩的感觉消失吗？
哦不，只是一个逃避的念头。告诉自己大脑别再想，慢慢地事情就会被忘记，但永远不会被解决。
被遗忘，到底是祸是福？
广泛来说，没有人会愿意自己被人家打到遗忘城里去。毕竟被遗忘就代表你在他人心中连个影子都没有。所以对许多人来说，被遗忘简直是祸。
那么又哪来福呢？
或许不知不觉我们成为了他人的恶梦，而这恶梦会带给他人不必要的痛苦。那么就仁慈一点，让我们被遗忘吧！免得这恶梦胧罩者别人一生！
仁慈点吧！请离我生活远点吧！
就让你的阴影从这世界上消失吧！
Tuesday, November 28, 2006 22:31
I am here to talk about my second driving lesson. Somehow today was more disastrous than I expected. Mati engine dua kali. Mampus. Tapi not bad, for at least I learnt how to park the car properly.
You people who don’t know how to drive should really appreciate those who drive you around whenever you need them. Driving needs knowledge. And the knowledge can only come from experiences.
Anyway, I passed by PoiLam this afternoon during driving lesson. That school looked perfectly fine, just like three years ago. The only difference was perhaps, the atmosphere? Somehow the school looked dead...
Remember I said about time being the universal solvent which is capable of dissolving all emotions away? But this may not be true in my case. Absence enhances fondness, a reminder of the wound, and thus time does not necessarily dissolve all bitter.
When there’s a beginning, there will be an end.
The difference is, you can’t choose how it begins, but you can choose the way it ends.
Friday, November 24, 2006 11:02
23th Nov 2006…
Before I say anything, I must first warn anybody who is reading this. This post may contain vulgarities which are unbearable to some. So unless you are at your pink of your mood, don’t bother to continue reading. Also if you are a Malaysian who is such a die hard nationalist and not willing to believe the flaws your fellow countrymen posses, read at your own risk.
In short, unless you are bored, do not proceed.
I’m not joking when I say I have a relatively good temperament. How often do you see me hurling vulgarities? How often do you see me throwing tantrums? And just how often do I ever flare up? Bear this in mind.
I was having a good time since Sunday, which was my return to Singapore for CIP. Three days passed by with joy and laughter. My mood was all the way high, and I believed that my trip home will be just as fine.
I kept having faith till I reached the custom. Tuas checkpoint, to be exact. The officers working there were SO inefficient. I stood at the same point for a few minutes already, but the queue had not even progressed an inch. Patience, I thought. Finally it moved. Slowly. Inch by inch, but eventually I was able to clear it. Great, I thought, the journey would not be so bad.
But I was wrong. When I lugged my bag and I to Kastam Malaysia just across the bridge, I automatically directed myself to the auto-gate, since it was open. An old lady in her sixties and another old man, about the same age, if not older, were occupying both auto-gates. I stood behind the gate, again, waiting for my turn to come. But then again, they were taking donkey hours. Groaning a little, I looked over the other side, to see whether I can use the counters instead. To my dismay, each and every one of them said “FOREIGN PASSPORTS”. Being a literate, I continued queuing.
However, there seemed to be some problems occurring in the auto-gate. The old lady signaled to the officer behind the door for help. Guess what? The guy looked at her impatiently, as if she is an illiterate, and signaled her to move away. But how is that possible when both doors are closed? Brainless officer, I thought. The lady exited finally, and he signaled me to enter. I then realized the problem. The autogate system crashed, that’s why both the lady and the old man could not proceed.
Which sparked off a question. Why on earth the officer still asked people to use the autogate? He should have realized the system crashed when he got out to ‘assist’ us. It was written blatantly on the screen “system error”. I rolled eyes at the dumb guy who calls himself the officer, before moving to the counters.
All the counters were for foreign passports. Naturally I tried to look for one that says “Malaysian passport”. But guess what? Those smart Malaysians who call themselves officers apparently did not know their autogate system crashed and therefore did not open a counter for Malaysian passports. I was already on the verge of losing my temper after walking back and forth like some circus animal trying to find its position. Eventually I decided to use the one at the far end.
When I approached the counter, the woman, no, it should be BITCH, sitting there did not even look at me. What kind of attitude is this? You are stationed there to make sure your country is safe. And to be stationed there means you are serving your country. You are giving those who enter Malaysia a first impression of the country. AND THE FIRST IMPRESSION YOU GIVE OTHERS ARE MALAYSIANS ARE ARROGANT BECAUSE YOU ARE ARROGANT!!!!! Fuck fuck fuck your head off your selendang!
And the incident that unleashed my vulgar self is this. Annoyed by her arrogance, I flashed my passport in front of her as I walked pass. She wasn’t even interest, which irritated me even further. So I continued walking. But the moment I passed by the counter, she looked back and shouted “Oi! Awak jalan-jalan saya duduk kat sini buat apa?” which means “Oi! You just walk past like that then I sit here for what?”
You know what bitch? I wanted to ask you why you are sitting there doing nothing also. And do you not know of simple manners? At least say “Miss” or something instead of the “Oi!”
If I had the authority, I would have slapped her. If I had not the good upbringing, I would have hurled vulgarities at her. My insides were about to explode. The rage in me was about to eat her up. I could almost see myself slap her with full strength.
“Next time if you want Malaysian passport, don’t put foreign passport. And you jolly well be aware of your system status next time before wasting my time.” was what I said before giving her my passport.
Though I was already erupting like a volcano, the look on her face after I said that amused me instantly.
Totally spoiled my day. I witnessed with my own eyes, how inefficient Malaysians can be. They think they are the majority in the country, and protected by some special privileges, they can do whatever they want? The PM has been working so hard to make you people buck up, so that it won’t be unfair to the other races. But look at yourselves. Working for the government at the checkpoint, but your attitude is arrogant. Because of you people Malaysia’s reputation is ruined. The bulk of us are striving to earn a better living, within the country as well as overseas, and working hard to preserve the good name of the country, and there you are, sitting on your chair, showing no interest at executing your job. Complacency is all you’ve got. The country is moving on, but I dare say it’s not because of YOU. It’s the hard work from the rest, but certainly NOT YOU.
I’m not displaying racism here. I’ve got friends from other races who are much better people than you people sitting at the custom are. Inefficient, arrogant, complacent. That’s what you are.
Wednesday, November 22, 2006 16:47
Oh man can't tell you how happy i am to see Shanelle in Bedok Int today! It was like, a few emotions fused together as a mixture in me. We talked alot on our way to watsons and guardian, where she found her insect repellent, and fairprice, where both of us got our foodstuff, and finally McD, where i had my lunch. Thanks Shanelle for making my mundane day interesting!
You know how it feels when someone you know but havent seen for a long long time suddenly changes into another character whom you never thought he/she would be? Chatting with Shanelle brought me gossips, both entertaining and surprising. Yet i learnt the change in another friend of mine, who evolved into somebody i did not expect her to.
It's time, i guess. Time does magics, twists hearts, and heals wounds. Time can change people totally, some even beyond recognition.
Now that i hope, with time passing by, the hole inside me will be filled with cement, so that the heart will be as hard as stone, so that it wont hurt anymore.
But time now is like a spade, digging more and more emotions out of me, and the hole get larger. I feel incomplete, and each second that passes reminds me of the mouse. It reminds me of how i will not see him again, and every thought of it sent a needle into the hole.
I wonder if the hole ever gets so huge, such that it cuts right through the heart.
10:21
Project INSPIRE.
Inspired me quite abit.
We always say "give and take". Those who 'take' of course are happy, since they gain. But now i realize the joy the givers experience. It's like how i'm feeling now.
Satisfaction.
It is the thing that when you think of it, even though if it's merely the slightest thought, your lips curl upwards almost instantly. You feel at that instant, you are saturated with unspeakable tinge of warmth, that envelopes you like a cocoon. Note that this feeling is of different agenda from infatuation. The feeling of giver's joy is so real this time. Perhaps i have always been the taker.
You don't lose anything by giving. You gained satisfaction. Smile. Joy.
Which transcend everything else.
Two days. Short to many, long for some. All in all, it's well spent.
It's heartwarming to see the kids(yes, i call them kids haha) all enjoying the two days. Some of them even wanted to come back again next year. *smiles* Good sign.
So much happened within the space of only two days. We, as facilitators got closer during the camp. There were so many things which require co-operation among us. Camp is, after chalet, the next thing that bonded us together. As for the kids, well, they were mainly Malays and Chinese. So they have to ignore their differences and work together as a team. It's natural to see people of the same race clump together during the camp, but when it's time to work together as a team, they really put aside their differences. This is one learning point.
I shall never forget the time when Iskandar, Izwan and Syukri sat together with the facilitators for tea break(which means nasi lemak) after Amazing Race. We sat in a circle. For one instant i thought we looked like we were having picnic, with jokes constantly cracked by the three boys. However naughty they may be, however angry they made you, at the end of the day they always have little gestures which made you smile. This means they are not at all uncontrollable. They are nice people, with a little rebellious nature common among teenagers.
I woke up today, just to realize the camp is over.
Got abit unused to it, not used to not watching the kids playing games, not used to not scream for attention from the noisy crowd, even the finale photo taking was stuck at the back of my mind.
It was truly a wonderful camp. With little juicy gossips from the BBC(szeying) and CNN(me of course) about taitai and occasional outbursts of uncontrollable laughter, the only sad thing was not able to stay overnight. If this was an overnight camp, i'm sure there'll be more memories.
A BIG THANK YOU to
-the organisers, who got stressed out at times when planning this camp, hope you guys did not pull too much hair off your heads :)
-facilitators, who took great effort in bonding your teams together, hope you guys did not dehydrate of saliva :)
-games I/Cs, who baked under the hot sun and screamed till your voice became horse to make sure they listen, hope your voices are not so beyond recognition after this :)
-food I/Cs, who made sure everybody was well-fed, hope your muscles grow abit more after two days of carrying the packets of food for us :)
-everybody! for making this camp a success!
Listening to 'At the Beginning'
Sunday, November 19, 2006 20:27
Halo aloha! I'm blogging from my uncle's house. Oh man the connection speed is SUPER fast!
So i'm here in singapore again.
Saturday, November 18, 2006 13:22
Mosquitoes are pests. I’m sure everybody agrees to this statement, especially those whose blood is most sought after in the mosquito community, like mine. Mosquitoes are like uhu glue, they stick on me, and no matter how much I move, they always fly away for a moment, and come back in no time!
I hate mosquitoes. Who doesn’t?
Vanessa Carlton’s “A Thousand Miles”…
You know the feeling when you see an object, or listen to a song, it automatically reminds you of someone, that special someone, just because everything about it just represents him so well? Everytime my media player plays this song, I’ll freeze for a second, and listen to the lyrics, closely.
“… And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Will pass me by
‘cause you know I’d walk a thousand miles
If I can just see you
Tonight”
And I never fail to be reminded again and again, that that’s what I want to tell him all along. Now that all is over, we’ll never see each other again. Perhaps forever. Hopefully in his absence I’ll forget his existence, forget how delighted I was whenever he appears and whatnot.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, as yongyi put it.
Absence makes the heart grow colder, as what I hope.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 21:19
“每一次和你分开，深深地被你打败，每一次放弃你的温柔痛苦难以释怀”
弟弟今早问：“鱼为什么不能活在陆地上？”
我理所当然回答：“它没有鼻子呼吸。”
他摇头说：“不，因为猫活在陆地上。”
妹跟我听到了，笑得要打滚。
I woke up this morning, some movements beside me. Naturally I thought my little bro came up to sleep beside me. But when I turned around it was my sister! Ha! My sis PON SCHOOL!! Bad girl tsk tsk…
And i K-ed the entire 恶魔在身边within ONE day! Oh man shall admire my inability to resist temptation and how easily i can get addicted to such dramas.
POOF. Missing him now. Wonder how he's doing.
Then again, why am i doing this? Not like he'll care anyway.
Sunday, November 12, 2006 23:11
If u have been blogsurfing and happen to land on the 27-ers' blogs before this, you'll roughly know what i'll be blogging about. And if you so happen to catch no balls now, well, I tell you. I'm gonna blog about CHALET.
2706's very own... CLASS CHALET!
I shall spare you from the details and just feature the highlights:
-The whole lot of us (taitai, lele, little pig, hp, weifen, ruff and miss stupidity)combing WhiteSands NTUC for stuff for bbq. So many of us came coz we thought it'll be too heavy to carry back. But then it turned out to be light!!
-Commotion started by lele when we passed by Hai Sing Sec. You know why hahaha!
-Taitai's first time preparing bbq food! No worries, BoB and ruff were there too so food should be ok. We are SO proud of you taitai!!!
-Mr Hsu got lost(or he thought he was lost) and sent out an SOS call to us. After giving all the directions in the world i could to get him unstuck, i decided to go rescue him with weifen instead. Reason? He said he met a dead end when i asked him to walk from Escape. -.-
-Mr Ng came with Ms Ho(as expected). But Mr Ng brought his gf as well(unexpected).
-Mr Hsu is a 'Hsu'-male! He admitted.
-Mr Hsu cant be trusted when it comes to whether the food is cooked or not. He kept telling me the crabsticks were ok but it still tasted raw! See la, don't trust me hrmph.
-20 stingrays are NOT enough! Miss Stupidity ate a huge part of it. Next year more ok!
-The girls sprawling everywhere and play bridge!
-Mahjong ENTIRE NIGHT with the kakis - szeying, lele and suzzy.
-BoB as the ghost to scare the sleeping people.
-Mr Hsu and Ms Ho stayed over. Mr Hsu with his sleepy face.
-Sadako attack on couples! Starring taitai as sadako, and kanitta and mary as the scared couple. Laughed big time!
-Shihui super scared after the first ride in Escape, and Mary constantly spurting vulgarities during the ride. The rest of us the ride was nothing but funny, and taitai, szeying, weifen and i merely laughed throughout.
-Running back to chalet in the rain, and attempted for force our way into the shortcut, when the gate was a one-way revolving door and not our direction -.-
-Car racing xbox with the girls! Especially with cars getting out of control, stuck, and banging into the dividers.
-Miss Stupidity left her specs there! So she had to endure another two hours to get it from the rest and to come back.
I miss 27-ers now. I miss this year of JC life. And one year has ended.
Tomorrow i'll be saying goodbye to quenseng. It may be forever now.
Silently.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006 22:46
*panting like a dog now*
I have finished reconstructing my blog again! It was a pure solid black plane few days ago. Oh my, Miss Stupidity must have unintentionally deleted half of the html for the template, while she was acting smart a few days ago. Acting smart, itchy hands, and look what you’ve done. The name cannot be more appropriate – stupidity, and you really lived up to your name.
I declare Miss Stupidity as computer idiot and html idiot, and so don’t you dare go near to the blog template html again!
Let’s talk about the moon tonight. They say the moon depicts the different sides of people, women, in particular. So when I looked at the moon just now, I couldn’t help but feeling a sense of loneliness. Was it the moon tonight, or was it merely my heart being honest this time? The moon stood still, in between vast spaces of emptiness, without even the slightest twinkle of a star as company. It radiated a cold streak of yellow, a colour Stupidity has never been fond of.
*look around*
It’s so quiet. I’m sitting on the shoe cupboard in front of amanda’s room. The entire female block seems a little sleepy. The constant humming of the air-con and the lights are the lullaby. Hypnotizing indeed, with everywhere else being dark. The occasional breeze of a wind is soft as mother’s touch.
How calming… How tantalizing… How rare!
I guess we always put work before others, that we constantly ignore the little blessings nature sends to us. We seldom stop our footsteps to appreciate what Mother Earth does for us.
Take a break, people. Inhale. Exhale. Do you feel a little ore comfy now?
Sunday, November 05, 2006 15:12
These days have been like a collage of entertainment and fun. We had days of impromptu events lain before us, not forgetting the carefree feeling of holidays. Holidays has begun for the bulk of us, yet the reality of this has not sunk in due to the impending OP which plagues the minds of many.
But not for me.
I’m already having the perfect holiday atmosphere in my room. Both my roommate and I are doing nothing the whole day other than going online and fondling with our laptops. As for me, it’s not so much about the laptop, but rather constantly in search of activities to fill my day. Fortunately it is not difficult at all as there are many fun peeps around XD simple games can be interesting with people like us.
Finally managed to get my bus tickets for 13th Nov and next year’s Chinese New Year. It can’t be more accomplished than this. This is the first year I bought the CNY tickets without having to make tons of phone calls to various bus companies. People, please applaud for my far-sightedness.
I enjoy holidays this time. There’s always something to look forward to, and also something to do. Hmm. Perhaps swimming tomorrow with He Li?
I think this time what I feel is true. Why does love intensify in the absence of the other party? This time, I’m finally sure about what and who I want. The sad news is, he doesn’t want me at all.
Even if I’d walk a thousand miles just to see him tonight, he still distances himself away. I can’t force him to be interested in me, but I don’t want him to distance away either.
Saturday, November 04, 2006 14:26
I may be thinking too much. But i saw what i saw. No dispute over that.
My dreams are broken, my heart shattered as a piece of glass would as it hits the ground.
I walk this empty street,
on the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps,
And i'm the only one and
I walk alone
00:10
ADEC - after dinner excursion committee
Did i have a spelling mistake somewhere? The above line looks abit wrong.
So as you might have guessed, the ADEC, which consists of Yongyi, Pear, Kaigai, Aulia, Gema and of course me, went to the Asian Civilization Museum after dinner. ACM is where pear is going to work during this holiday. I really want to go ACM again someday. Someday where i pay to enter and look at the exhibits properly. Because the bulk of us only reached there at around eight (go figure out the reason yourself lol) we could only take quick glimpses at everything. And of course nothing sank in -.-
After the walk through time in the museum, the ADEC visited Sir Stamford Raffles who stood, firm and unfaltering even in times of wind and rain, in front of VCH. Sir Stamford Raffles, founder of Singapore, somehow earned my respect deeply. When i say he is inspiring, it is not so much a joke actually. Merlion was next up on our impromptu agenda. But on the way we passed by Fullerton and all of us got carried away by her prestige momentarily. The thought of stepping in even crossed our minds, but never materialized.
And here comes the lion which constantly spits water! Aulia must be so happy to see his wish granted. For unknown reasons he was excited about seeing merlion the whole night. For me it was the calming sea breeze which i found tantalizing. The breeze so soft and gentle as it carresses your face brought about momentary emptiness in the mind. This sense of emptiness is exactly what i need to take a break from reality.
This one is worth mentioning. On our way to esplanade i passed by this pair of couple in black. From the corner of my eye i thought the guy looked familiar, but just could not remember who at that instant. Then yongyi hushed me and signalled to that guy. And finally it hit me. It was Adrian! That Adrian whom i promised to recognize him the next time i ever see him. And i recognized him indeed! So what was he doing there? Not difficult to guess it out, right? Another few more steps ahead and we decided to turn around and wave to him (hahaha). I guess he saw us before that as well, for when we turned around he also looked up. And waved.
There was another art exhibition in esplanade. Those artpieces were all wound of wire, those in tj will find it familiar. Why? Those were something like the two 'angels' we always see in front of audi. Somehow if you look closely, at those unmoving exhibits of wire meshs, you see life in them. They depicted stories and different sides of mankind. One of them caught my attention in particular. It was little girl sitting on a chair, with an arm outstretched towards a tall (i mean really TALL) guy. The guy also has his hand lifted, and it looks like he is going to catch the little girl's hand. Look carefully. The guy did NOT catch the girl's hand. After pear's enlightenment, i saw the picture. The girl was reaching for somebody who seems far and high up for her. She tried very hard just to reach him, and the guy has shown some signs of response to her. But at this very moment, she has not reached him yet.
Sounds familiar? For a moment it was as if i knew exactly how the little girl felt. For it was exactly how i felt as well. The little girl was me. She made her move to get herself a little closer to 'him'. Yet 'he' was so distant, his shadow towering over her. 'He' seemed so close, yet unreachable despite all the effort. When she thought of giving up on 'him', her eyes told her he lifted his hand in an outstretched position. Her heart told her it was a good opportunity to grab that hand, for it was definitely within reach as it appeared so close, but reality told her it was never close. There was still a one-inch gap between both hands - a gap which seemed small, but was a galaxy separating both hands. Reality told her that eyes could be deceiving. What she saw was merely an illusion, for if it wasn't, she would have grabbed 'his' hand and not letting go.
But till this moment, she could not. 'He' is too far away.
Are you watching closely? If you are, dead objects do come alive. Each of them tells a story, a story only for those who connect to them.
Today is indeed rewarding. Lessons were learnt with no teachers to guide. Lessons were for us to discover. The ACM had me walking out of there, intellectually reborn, as yongyi phrased it. Esplanade exposed me to the reality, a reality i have to acknowledge and accept.
Listen to your heart. What does it tell you?
Thursday, November 02, 2006 21:40
The 'real age test' Mr Hsu gave us said that my real age is only 14. And it proved itself right. My immaturity of handling things resulted in some undesirable outcome. Some friendship glitches. Now i hope i can rectify the situation. I hope i can get over the glitch.
I want to restore everything back to normal.
Normal may just mean i never take that step forward to QS. Yes now i'm not using mickey mouse anymore. If i had not done so, perhaps today he would sit facing me. I know some of you will say that it's just a coincidence. But really, was it? Perhaps it's my immaturity inside that drew that conclusion.
Suddenly everything fell into a mess. Or did i kick that up myself? If i had suppressed that for a little longer, things may turn out different.
But then again, why is it always me who is suppressing myself so that the sky is clearer?
00:58
“Although we have never talked to each other even after one year in the same hostel, I still find you cute (: Just like the kid, all I could do was to take quick peeps whenever you walk pass. I hope it’s not bothering but if it was, it’s not gonna happen anymore since you are leaving. I don’t know where I got the courage to do so. Haha. But now I wish I could have known you better.
It’s the last lap. Chiong ar! Good luck and all the best for your A’s. Grab all A’s possible!”
I finally did it. And it’s my first time doing so. I was really at loss for appropriate emotions when i passed the card to erwin. Excited? Embarrassed? I don't know.
When i told different people (those whom i thought are worthy of telling, of course) i got different responses altogether. Sweet, brave, impressed were some of the words used. But what was his reaction? I did not care at first. I did not even expected anything in return then.
But now, at this juncture, i wonder. I begin to wonder if he was at loss for words. Or did he think it was ridiculous and decided to send the card to the trash bin. Did he know that i'm ivy, the girl who just told him indirectly that she's fond of him? Or merely dismiss that card with ego?
I dont think anything will happen. Now that i've done it and made my year complete, i could feel a burden being lifted. A sigh of relief escaped almost instantly when i passed erwin the card.
I have never made the first move before. This is my first.
