16th September 2006
It is quite unpredictable to reach this stage. This stage where all I see is fading feelings, all stemmed from confusion, which ends with disappointment. Not really disappointment I would say, because in the process I’ve carved my path so well that I always allow room for a ‘dignified exit’, as quoted by Jacintha in one of the Singapore Idol spectaculars. Just because for every step forward I took, I always leave the lagging foot touching the ground, preparing myself for the reverse of what I wanted. Since I anticipated, it would not be a disappointment.
It’s really amazing that I could still laugh and joke around like nobody’s business. The mask which I’ve put on to hide my true expressions, due to extended wear, has somehow become part of me. I’m no longer able to distinguish between what is real and what isn’t. perhaps that’s the exact reason why I always make my ‘dignified exit’, with the carefully crafted smile and the ever-so-usual laugh. After all the hee-haas I always find myself in front of my mirror, doing the usual make up removal routine. That is the moment I always see myself, my true self, as who and what I am. Not so much of a pretty face, with all the features that accompanied me since day 1, a mind that constantly coaxing myself that every little thing I do, I do for my pride, so that I can always hold my head up high, so that I would not fall and end up hurting myself.
In other words, it is a repressor, repressing me from doing what my heart wants. The mind always triumphs over the mind in this case.
“… Till waiting turned pointless… I finally know that both of us… are incapable of weaving a happy ending…”
When waiting seems long and endless, when I finally get it out of sight out of mind, it just has to come again. I repeat, I’m not a person without determination. But isn’t it stupid to keep waiting and waiting? So I choose to end it. But every time when I stop thinking about the messages, the message tone will ring. A joke or what?
Looked into the mirror again.
Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?
I’m looking for a trace of me… the true me… beneath the ocean of pretence always lies truth…
