for a few days i have been asking myself what i want.
that was one of the questions somebody asked me as well.
what do i want?
***
for two terms i have been like an idiot, or looking like a retard everytime i see a mouse. itz been quite exhausting to run after a mouse. you noe, mouse's forte is always running away. so for the past two terms i wished that it(he) can just stay put so that i can have a clear view. but heaven loves to play tricks on me.
it was like miracle for me to spot it anywhere within my parameter. and even if the mouse appears, there would always be flies and fleas around. so it would always be unreachable.
the chase was exhausting. indeed. many times before this i thought of giving up hope, but somewhere in me kept asking me to cling on. what was that for, i couldnt decipher. a mere illusion that somehow the mouse stops running away? another imagination of the flies and fleas being eradicated? none of these happened, but i still gave up in giving up on the mouse.
perhaps it was the long period of time. everything became a routine. an addiction, i would say. no matter how tiring the run is, i would run everyday. after the mouse. and so when it finally dawned on me that the school is exterminating all pests, mouse is included amongst the flies and fleas, i suffer from withdrawal symptoms. the heart seems too weak to bear such symptoms, and it stops contracting. all feelings threatened to burst out of their enclosure like volcanoes.
i have been running after the mouse everyday. itz hard to picture how awkward i'd feel if it were to be exterminated. therefore i made a decision - to start forgetting itz existence.
no matter how hard the heart twisted in objection to the idea, the mind ignored. and the mind succeeded on the first day. today is the second day. when i finally decided to forget the mouse, it just appeared like nobody's business. right in front of me, tempting me to start chasing after it again. this time, without all the flies and fleas. totally vulnerable, and yet adorable. for times i wanted to go against the mind, but suffered from interal chaos. when the mind is at war with the heart, tear glands are usually the ones being activated.
so precious stones fell, for a mere mouse.
no, they lubricated the eyes, on the notion that the mouse is exterminated. out of sight, out of mind.
hopefully.
