it suddenly dawned on me how easily my mood can be affected, by a mere msg received or even something someone said. it could just be a phrase, and whatnot.

words are powerful. or rather im weak? unable to withstand the bombarding effects of words?

you wont believe just how many people(i know) were in parkway today. as if parkway has become the new orchard? first was leekee, then the surprise at finding so many tjcians there(itz well known that parkway is victorians' hangout while bedok interchange is tjcians', lolz!), then kenneth who got caught in the act with ahem... somebody i dont think he wants me to mention, and finally, indra and gema acting brokeback! how coincidential can that be! following this, was when i descended the escalator with eyes on my phone, when yy asked me, "eh how come so many tjcians here ar?" i thought it was just a plain comment that i agree to. then she asked again,"eh u know the guys there or not?" then i looked up. and saw weeyang! man! how cool can this be? so many familiar faces in parkway!

words are double edged swords.

as you may predict what my post is gonna be, yes, itz about my haircut on monday.
it was totally impromptu, i say, for i really did not go roxy square on purpose. instead, i was heading for parkway. it was until i alighted, and walked past maybank, that it suddenly dawned on me the mere possibility of finding the right salon in roxy sq, which is just an overhead bridge away. and so i ascended, and walked over.

roxy sq still looked the same. i was scanning the whole place as spy would in his enemy's base. just as i was about to walk away from the place, i passed by this quite-well-furnished salon. with skillfully polished floor and a nice ambience. ok not so much of ambience to mention, but it just gave me a subtle assurance of the hairdressers' professionalism. as some may predict, yess, i went to see the price list pasted on the door almost instantaneously. once again, i have to stress that im not cheap skate, but the price was tempting.

"student- 10 and above"

for a salon like that(assumption made would be the skills of the hairdressers) the price was not at all high. im not cheap skate, but as an econs student we have to make rational choice involving opportunity cost.

nevermind the econs. i just had the inflation test today, which totally deflated me. i couldnt finish my essay. anyway back to the haircut.

the hairdresser gave me a few mags with all diff hairstyles which delighted me a lot. i couldnt decide on which hairstyle, and took my time browsing thru as she washed my hair. massage. how relaxing man! you see, most of the hairstyles shown are wavy in nature. so it wont work so much on my hair. however in the end i told her the one i wanted, and put emphasis on 'layering'.

she blew dry my hair before laying the scissors on it. after about thirty minutes of snipping it was done. it was when i stood up that i realized the full result of the haircut. and for an instant, i was bluffed by my own reflection.

i rebonded my hair??

it was SUPER straight. comparable to those rebonded hair, except that i must say, mine looked better as it was NATURAL. and the layerings were quite obvious, for my head is now supporting less weight. WHOO! i like my new hairstyle!

so i went to school in that hairstyle today, with a red hair band. many commented on the fringe, and haha, im glad they said i look younger! quite contradictory, when i actually like looking like eighteen year old. i guess now i look fifteen?

nevermind that. itz just the happy feeling that matters.

where d'you go? i miss you so
seems like itz been forever, that you've been gone

superficiality is evident everywhere. open your eyes. all you see is superficial. because you only take note of the superficial.
who are we to judge others when we are not perfect ourselves? think.
we see judges everywhere. how they qualify to be one really puzzled me. and i beg to differ. very much.

as you can see, im not that yes woman as you may find many around you. and to ask me to tail behind all your commands as a dog would his master is a total insult. my pride is worth more than that. so the next time you give me that look again, dont blame me for mutilating your self-defined-pretty face.

a dead volcano may not explode anymore, but a hibernating one will. all it takes is the right timing, and the right cause.

and you'll definitely regret if YOU are THE cause.

blogger just irritated me AGAIN. what i blogged just now was GONE!!!
damn!!
fcuk!
i have to curse.

i feel better.

i wana kill somebody. something. i want pain to happen somewhere.

urgh! im highly irritated.
pissed.
angry.
flaming!

warning: highly explosive. stay away if you dont want regrets.

for a few days i have been asking myself what i want.
that was one of the questions somebody asked me as well.
what do i want?
***
for two terms i have been like an idiot, or looking like a retard everytime i see a mouse. itz been quite exhausting to run after a mouse. you noe, mouse's forte is always running away. so for the past two terms i wished that it(he) can just stay put so that i can have a clear view. but heaven loves to play tricks on me.

it was like miracle for me to spot it anywhere within my parameter. and even if the mouse appears, there would always be flies and fleas around. so it would always be unreachable.

the chase was exhausting. indeed. many times before this i thought of giving up hope, but somewhere in me kept asking me to cling on. what was that for, i couldnt decipher. a mere illusion that somehow the mouse stops running away? another imagination of the flies and fleas being eradicated? none of these happened, but i still gave up in giving up on the mouse.

perhaps it was the long period of time. everything became a routine. an addiction, i would say. no matter how tiring the run is, i would run everyday. after the mouse. and so when it finally dawned on me that the school is exterminating all pests, mouse is included amongst the flies and fleas, i suffer from withdrawal symptoms. the heart seems too weak to bear such symptoms, and it stops contracting. all feelings threatened to burst out of their enclosure like volcanoes.

i have been running after the mouse everyday. itz hard to picture how awkward i'd feel if it were to be exterminated. therefore i made a decision - to start forgetting itz existence.

no matter how hard the heart twisted in objection to the idea, the mind ignored. and the mind succeeded on the first day. today is the second day. when i finally decided to forget the mouse, it just appeared like nobody's business. right in front of me, tempting me to start chasing after it again. this time, without all the flies and fleas. totally vulnerable, and yet adorable. for times i wanted to go against the mind, but suffered from interal chaos. when the mind is at war with the heart, tear glands are usually the ones being activated.

so precious stones fell, for a mere mouse.
no, they lubricated the eyes, on the notion that the mouse is exterminated. out of sight, out of mind.
hopefully.

for a few days i have been asking myself what i want.
that was one of the questions somebody asked me as well.
what do i want?
***
for two terms i have been like an idiot, or looking like a retard everytime i see a mouse. itz been quite exhausting to run after a mouse. you noe, mouse's forte is always running away. so for the past two terms i wished that it(he) can just stay put so that i can have a clear view. but heaven loves to play tricks on me.

it was like miracle for me to spot it anywhere within my parameter. and even if the mouse appears, there would always be flies and fleas around. so it would always be unreachable.

the chase was exhausting. indeed. many times before this i thought of giving up hope, but somewhere in me kept asking me to cling on. what was that for, i couldnt decipher. a mere illusion that somehow the mouse stops running away? another imagination of the flies and fleas being eradicated? none of these happened, but i still gave up in giving up on the mouse.

perhaps it was the long period of time. everything became a routine. an addiction, i would say. no matter how tiring the run is, i would run everyday. after the mouse. and so when it finally dawned on me that the school is exterminating all pests, mouse is included amongst the flies and fleas, i suffer from withdrawal symptoms. the heart seems too weak to bear such symptoms, and it stops contracting. all feelings threatened to burst out of their enclosure like volcanoes.

i have been running after the mouse everyday. itz hard to picture how awkward i'd feel if it were to be exterminated. therefore i made a decision - to start forgetting itz existence.

no matter how hard the heart twisted in objection to the idea, the mind ignored. and the mind succeeded on the first day. today is the second day. when i finally decided to forget the mouse, it just appeared like nobody's business. right in front of me, tempting me to start chasing after it again. this time, without all the flies and fleas. totally vulnerable, and yet adorable. for times i wanted to go against the mind, but suffered from interal chaos. when the mind is at war with the heart, tear glands are usually the ones being activated.

so precious stones fell, for a mere mouse.
no, they lubricated the eyes, on the notion that the mouse is exterminated. out of sight, out of mind.
hopefully.

thanks jiale! suzzy! amanda! angelina!
thanks for making my day happy again... after these few days of troubling waters.

for them, my bdae is 20th aug! haha all started from suzzy who thot my bday was on that day.
then ytday, she msged me happy bdae!
hahaha.

it doesnt take a million dollars to smile:)

the blocked nose become runny.

eyes see not what the heart wants
ears hear not what the heart wants
heart feel not what the mind wants

the which is i?
the heart or the mind?

if you try to fail, and you succeed, which one have you done?

I HAVE BEEN TAGGED, as wad oddball told me to do.
well, at least she helped me to start my post :)
and she asked me to do the following:

1.Do the following WITHOUT complaints
2. Choose 5 people to do this after you have completed yours
3. Leave a tag on the person's tagboard to say he/she have been tagged.
4. Start your post with I have been tagged!
then do this.

and oddball, i chose to listen to u!

CURRENT MOOD: full of procrastination... and in LoVE...
CURRENT TASTE: har? loneliness...
CURRENT CLOTHES: ny scholar shirt and tights (o.o)
CURRENT DESKTOP: france fireworks! taken by this guy called richard tan
CURRENT TOENAIL COLOUR: the blue that matches my gown
CURRENT TIME: 1519
CURRENT SURROUNDINGS: level 2, billiard table, sofas, wif yongyi and pear at the other side
CURRENT ANNOYANCES: lit review and the packed schedule for next week

FIRST BEST FRIENDS: childhood partners?
FIRST CRUSH: im not gonna tell u hahaha
FIRST MOVIE: Lion King! or was it Jumanji?
FIRST LIE: i dont remember. i lied!
FIRST MUSIC: mom singing 'twinkle twinkle little star'?

LAST CRUSH: i dont wana tell u. i was in the same skul as him.
LAST MOVIE: the shutter! lt3, gamma house function!
LAST PHONE CALL: two hrs ago? calling yongyi to makan lunch la.
LAST SONG PLAYED: 'kiss goodbye' by leehom

HAVE YOU EVER DATED ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS: u all know the answer lo!
HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN THE LAW: eating chewing gum in singapore?
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED: of course... NOT.
HAVE YOU EVER SKINNY-DIPPED: lolz! dont have the chance to do so.
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON TV: i would like to! but no.
HAVE YOU EVER KISSED SOMEONE U DONT KNOW: no lar!

5 THINGS U ARE WEARING: contact lenses, telismen, perlini silver earring, nailpolish and a SMILE:)
3 THINGS YOU CAN HEAR RIGHT NOW: my song, small waterfall downstairs, doors banging(irritating lor)
1 THING YOU DO WHEN U'RE BORED: sleep! universal anaesthetic! numb the pain in the heart!

Music to be Hated

itz white and black
the skill i lacked
'tho many remarked about the Talent
i knew i knew myself

scaling up running down
seventeen times i counted
till the hammers swung
and my fingers deeply wounded

you defeated me wholly
i've never felt so strayed
pray never to touch me again
yet return all you have taken

bestow upon the music yearned
and allow for once
these seventeen years
to touch the foreign heart

deep within that art.
-adapted from jamie's music to be hated

poetry is such a beautiful thing.
and beautiful things touched my life before.
my heart is plunging down like waterfall. what can be done to salvage the broken pieces?
must i delude myself in the unlikely fantasy so see another unlikely happy ending?

or will there be any in the first place?

itz finally here.
ever since the meeting, i was wondering when mine will come.
it finally came, and i've gotta do something about it.

actually since jct which turned out to be catastrophic i saw it coming.
a few years back i saw people around me landed themselves in this mess, but never thought it could be so close. coz back then, itz almost impossible to fail any subject, of course ss will be the only exception. but guess what? other than gp i also failed maths, if not for their one-mark moderation which in the end, i got a pathetic e.

pathetic, i repeat.
a term i used to use so often that it became cliche a few years ago.
then i stopped using it when i changed environment(and changed again of course), never thought that one fine day, this word would come back around. this time, itz used by me, ON me.

the girl in my mirror is getting way more irritating now. the hair seems forever messy. i just wanna give her a big fat slap, so that she can wake up.
stop deluding yourself in the fairytale of yours. life is too pricless to be wasted away. and come to think of it, you have wasted five months in total. jct should be your alarm.

wake up.

buck up.

get up.

once upon an enchanted forest
fireflies danced
and fairies made wishes come true...

my wish. my wish.
itz a wish for a reason.
u die for it to come true, but it just doesnt.
so it stays as a wish.

and how many fairies does it take for my wish to come true?
***
napfa. i think something is wrong with me. i have never liked it, but now i look forward to it.
im engaged in self torture lately. as a means to destress, as a means to hold my tears, as a means to forget.
the first two purposes of self torture are justified, but the last is still questionable.
if muscle aches can help me forget, why do i still think of it?
or rather him.
therefore exercising is my way out now. stretching.

i love to sit on my bed and stretch. stretch way till my legs beg me to stop. the pull in the muscles feels good.
then i like to make all the muscles in me pull. that makes me feel relived.

conclusion : i have turned into a sadist. seeing harm inflicted on my own self is satisfying.
what nonsense.

im extremely exhausted. my legs are tearing apart, my head is heavy, my eyes are closing, my throat aching, my voice disappearing.

but im flying in the clouds, over the rainbow.
***
thank you thank you thank you!
to those who made my turning eighteen so memorable.
those who gave me a big surprise on friday.
those who sang the birthday song.
those who sent birthday wishes.
those who gave me prezzies.
and those who know i turned 18.
everyone around me.

i must say, the birthday cake was really a surprise! yongyi jessica u guys can really act man! i really din see it coming at all! i didnt think of yy going to val's house on dat day. i just thought she was having fun wif someone else. and when val and abi went out during bio prac(which turned into econs self study period) i thot they were going toilet! until they came in and the whole class sang bdae song! thank you 27/06!! and thanks val and yy! the choc cake was superb man.

treated yy to pepper lunch in taka for lunch(-.-') and the poilam gang to crystal jade in suntec.

i love the unexpected. that's why i like opening presents. and i'll rmb the presents that marked my turning 18!
and lubin msged me! it was totally unexpected. i nvr expect anything coming from vj... i mean after such a long time being so far from each other... thanks lubin jie! u rock man!

and i must say the most entertaining msg came from aulia, which says:
"happy birthday to u
you were born in the zoo
with the tiger and the lion
and the monkey like you!"

isaac called me when i was on my way to taxi stand. that call was priceless.
somehow it reminds me of the days wif him ard. he's now in australia, which means the chances of us meeting again is left to fate to decide.
he is still the same. haha.

alright. itz credits time. i shall go according to chronological order.
my family:D
yongyi
weifen
val and abi
27/06
suzzy
xiruo:)
likoon
edison
amanda and fenny!!
pear
luying
cs
evon
lubin:))
leekee!
heli and sharon
aulia(lols)
junjie
simpson and hoekit:)
yeanthing
isaac:))
kexin!
alan
karen
wenghing(yeah u are the last one)

poof! im EIGHTEEN ald! legal age lolz!

im blogging this down on a happy note.
i feel like a pig. when i looked at my own tummy while i was bathing, i thought i was pregnant. seriously, that used-to-be-23.5 waist has ballooned into probably 27, in just one day! or maybe not just one day... perhaps i've been eating and eating like crazy and this 2mth pregnancy is the result of food accumulation in me! RAWR!

I FEEL FAT. hear that??

alright i confess. i ate loads today. and luying, xiruo and me were busying ourselves with kfc in the canteen during dinner, with others occassionally throwing glances at us, according to luying.
hahaha.
it felt good with food in u. im serious.

he was opposite me during lunch and coincidentally, dinner. that added a tinge of happiness and satisfaction to this mundane and boring day of mine. but to make it better, i ended up sitting quite near him during the dialogue session! i didnt mean it, but they said must sit according to teacher mentor's grp, so i sat wif the indians. and hahaha! mouse and his gang were two rows behind us:D and even after the dialogue session, i met him again at the guard post to sign in using the new system. oh my god. this day is simply fantastic man.

cant blame me for thinking of mouse when im bored! itz too happy to just think of his mousey face!! :)

for that someone out there who share my thoughts, this is for you.
specially.

sometimes i wish i never grew up. then i'll live in an innocent world with everybody around me as FRIENDS. there wont be unnecessary thoughts that bug us, because once they do, they just drill into our minds and plant themselves there. they'll be like uhu glue - once stuck, hard to remove. dont you agree?

to remove a piece of thread, all u need is scissors. to remove a wrongly-nailed nail(sounds wrong) all u need is the hammer.
you can ask all the construction workers in the world, and they dunno how to remove the thing that planted itself into our minds. just fire them, dont you think?

ever realized why giving up seems so hard and unachievable?
itz purely because deep in our hearts we believe, we want something to come out of it. everytime you tell yourself, ok, this is it. you are not gonna look at him anymore, or he's not that perfect after all, u are unintentionally reminding yourself of him.

remember i said "some people are just meant to be looked at?"
the reason why we look at them, is because we hope for something.

we are not alone. and i agree we should live a life without regrets.
so when the right time comes, do what your heart directs you. that is what you really want, at that moment.

-the greatest distance in the world is when we are next to each other, and yet that someone doenst know my feelings for him.-

that was the first time getting so close to fireworks. credits to yongyi for suggesting that place.

it was really right at your face. it was so bright, so huge.
yet so untouchable.

that must be the most beautiful thing that happened in this week so far.
instinctively, i reached out my hand for it. i want to have a share too. but the truth only dawned on me after i stretched out my hand.

i can never have it.

however pretty it was, it was too far to reach. who doesnt want a share of something beautiful? but just how many can actually possess?

sounds pessimistic i know. but that's just the answer i'll get in the mickey mouse case.

"why dont you tell him?"
-if it were so easy? or perhaps im just too chicken.
"just tell him, and you'll at least feel better regardless of what his reactions will be."
-are you sure? i dont think so. is it definitely considered 'better'? he's gonna have his exams, and i dont wanna risk his performance. things are better if stayed this way.

see? every sign points to negative results. huh.

and even if you managed to grab it, you cant guarantee it being there for long. beautiful things are short termed. just like fireworks, just like mickey.

why are stars falling from the sky? is it because the sky feel the same as me?
my eyes feel heavy.
i blinked.
and oh, a star fell onto my palm. it felt bitter.

happiness shared is happiness doubled.

adi:"why u so hyper?"
me:"because i like salmon sashimi very much!"

but no matter how much i like salmon sashimi, i wont be as happy if not because it was shared among... TEN people including me. though the portion everybody(including me) ate was not big at all, but seeing people's faces after they ate the sashimi was really rewarding! i mean, making me happy.

if i have the money again, which i doubt will be near future(so saddd!), im gonna buy bigger portion of sashimi and share again! itz such a happy thing!

it doesnt take a million dollars to smile :) :D
***
these days have been really sucky for me. thank god people invented sashimi!

finally able to 'steal' some wireless connection from my room. i really have to thank those who installed wireless in their homes and did not set it as secured connection.
your good deeds are sincerely appreciated:)

my being here represents something. i SURVIVED the week! whoohoo!
this week was definitely hectic for me, with WR and spa and everything due. i was still wondering how much time i'd get to sleep in total, and whoala! i managed to sleep more than 12hrs ytday!

of course other than school work which was likened to mount everest being shifted from nepal(not sure whether that's the right place lols) to temasek junior college, and running after me to crush me into pieces, i have something else bothering me as well.

*coughs* nvm that. it is not as important anyway. i think i'd be able to sort it out the way i wanted it to be.
if somebody u liked for 5yrs suddenly come back and look for u, in view of starting a new relationship, what will you do? for five years he has been indifferent to your feelings, and when you finally forget how you feel towards him, suddenly he comes back.

in case you are wondering who the guy is, i dunno. coz that was my fren's story.

mine has started, and im thinking of a way to end it properly.
and nicely.

i forgot to blog abt this just now.

szeying's dog died ytday. that chiwawa that looks like a pomeranian.
for the past few months we have been talking about gigi if she were our friend. her pics were passed around. she seemed to be our common topic, and sze ying's really proud of her. ignore the fact that she is obese -.-

she was like a friend. and out of a sudden she is gone. for long, for good. it felt like a part missing somewhere. not to mention sze ying. gigi has become a part of us, and obviously a big part of sy's life. bidding goodbye is never easy, especially when you dont even know that that was a goodbye. according to jiayi, gigi waited for sy to come home, came up to her, looked at her for awhile, and walked back to her 'bed', lay down, and never got up. she waited for sy to come home, just to say goodbye to her. *tears*

so the poor girl felt extremely awful today. i didnt know what to say to her to make her feel better. such thing can only self-heal. itz absurd to tell her to forget. how can you forget a friend who is now long-gone? all i could do was to treat as tho nth happened, and talked to her like normal days.
but the truth is, i felt sad too. for her, for gigi.

itz her birthday tomorrow. i want her to be happy. i want my friends to be happy on their birthdays.

-will i be happy on my birthday?-

hello. im here again. blogging has already assimilated into my life such that itz almost impossible to not blog at least once a day. sounds pretty like drug addiction.

when things are pushing me into a corner where i can retreat no further, the only thing i can do is to push them back to prevent myself from being crushed. oh how i hope such thing does not come at this time. im busy enough.

but yet again, itz nobody's fault.

pw is getting on my nerves. now i think i did sound rude to ng cc this morning. i was just being frank. alright, im a student and he is a teacher. he deserves his due respect(tho i often question what he says) and our class just somehow fails to give sometimes. hmm.

discovery of the day :
i look like a mouse.

i noe ppl will go huh? but haha, datz what yongyi said over the dinner table. she said she thinks i like ppl who look like me. i went huh? as well when i first heard.
but what luying said weeks ago kind of reinforced yy's comment. i like ppl who look like mouse, and luying once said we(mickey and me) look quite alike:) hahaha.

absurd i know, but what more can i say? time is running out.
the best thing for now is to continue the way it is, ie me looking at him occassionally instead of creating opportunities as many told me to. itz silly, but im sort of used to it.

some people are just meant to be looked at only. some people are meant to only look at others. for nothing will ever happen, nothing can. and so happen im one of the some people here, to only able to look from afar. and even when we are just next to each other, we are practically countries apart. :(
***
im getting a little worried now. feeling unsecured. of many contributing factors to my sense of unsecurity, academic results are still most troubling.

when i look back at what i blogged, what startle me most is my command of english.

how demoralising, what a disillusionment, how unconvincing.

it's kind of getting into my life.
or according to hp, getting into my nerves. hahaha.
funny i can still laugh.

i can never confess. i will never have enough courage to do so.
chicken huh?
but then, i keep giving the same lame excuse. i wonder when it will not be of use anymore.

irony of life - you cant always get what you want, not even after you worked for it.
something i think everybody gotta understand?
it felt like tv drama. those cliche parts abt the guy and the girl missed each other by a second.
which was exactly what happened to me today!!
i walked out through the canteen door wif khoon. and when i turned back, mickey mouse was entering the canteen via the adjacent door.
iznt it the typical mei yuan fen thingy?

bleah. RAWR.

mei yi ci he ni fen kai
shen shen de bei ni da bai
mei yi ci fang qi ni de wen rou tong ku nan yi shi huai
mei yi ci he ni fen kai
mei yi ci kiss u goodbye
ai qing de zi wei ci ke wo zui ming bai~

<> wang leehom

MissyIvy
A Cynic with passion for
the Art of Sarcasm
Chemist in training

Do Better Nails
World Peace
AIDS Free
most importantly,
Finish Everything ON TIME! and
try not to be late

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