after so much hoo haa i still go back to the starting point. band. i guess thatz really wad i want deep inside, tho aft so much of discontentment and sorts of feelings ever arisen because of it. since the day i got to know i wasnt playing for appa 9 i thot i was very disappointed wif nycb, that i dun see the point in continuing. but still, i worked for syf. tho i must admit i'm not at all a good eupho but i did put work in it. and for that i sacrificed my mid year. but i din regret. during syf period we complained so much, and yet we still go back everytime. arts fest marked the last performance as nycbian. and i thot, finally, aft arts fest then i would be free. free from band. no more restrictions.
but what is free, when it has become a habit to visualize myself playing the nat anthem in the quadrangle every monday aft arts fest? what is free, when instinctively i would look up to where the banders were standing, on third level, everytime i hear a mistake? and tell me, is this called free at all when aft all the cca tryouts, i turn to band in the end? NO.
i realize it now. no matter how lousy i am as a eupho player, itz band that i miss. of coz, itz my instru that i miss more. there was once when i developed this dread for band prac in vj, but despite all the grumbling i went for sectionals and pracs.
jae. and i thot i would start anew in a new skul. new means no more band, no more pasts. but for three weeks without going there at all, sth seems to be lacking. and he li was right. band has become a part of me. and i'm on the verge of losing my bet wif her now. all the other ccas i joined, i din feel the urge to commit.
not only me. shuzhen too. she has tried to avoid CO for so long, but realized that itz almost impossible. she said one thing "i think deep inside, we have the passion for it. for this passion will never die, we will always go back, no matter how far we tried to stay away." how profound if may sound, itz meaning so apparent.
so should i go back? i'm in dilemma again.
wy msged me juz now, saying she'll go back this sat. how delighted i was! of coz i'll want to go. but now, im kind of holding back again. should i, in the first place, appear? if i ever do, i'll never be able to pull back anymore. that im sure.
i'm not sure whether i want to go thru the entire cycle of pracs and performances, then annual concert then ultimately, syf. and hey, itz my A's nxt year. am i sure i wanna do these?
i dunno. im not sure. i'm in dilemma.
someone please light up my vision, for it feels cold to be in the dark.
