i hate to bring this up, but i guess typing here is better than telling ppl, esp those who dun understand. even if they understand, they do not empathise. understanding and empathizing are two very diff things. furthermore, due to my sensitivity, i dun feel like telling those who are better than me at all. i hate the feeling of inferiority. i dun wish for the top, but i detest being inferior. and i cant tell those who scored worse so that i wont rub salt in their wounds. see, i have nobody to shout at except here, my sanctuary.
i get 10pts for prelims. this is wad i do not want at all. at first, i thot i got 9, cox mdm mak said b4 in assembly that we can go up to the nxt grade if itz only one or two marks diff. i mean, 9 to me is not a good score, partly cox i expected more. but since then i've been telling myself that hey, i actually hit my one-digit-target, my very first target when i came. and that actually i've gotten so many A1s (exluding amaths), so itz only my language. itz not that bad aft all. but now, i m disillusioned again. everyone says c lit is very easy to get A1 and bla bla bla. i've proved you wrong. ok maybe to you i'm just stupid. yeah. so stupid to patch a hole in my heart, just to know that you are going to poke though it again.
perhaps i just have high pride. perhaps i just think to highly of myself. wadever the case, the truth is i m devastated again. first, amaths. then, failing chinese compo. third, being disillusioned by c lit. and now, MODERATIONS DO NOT AFFECT ME AT ALL. this doesnt help. if my rum8s are not here, i will shout in the room. i feel like crying, but i've forgotten how. is it because i've been laughing and putting a strong front always to not worry ppl, that somehow i'm used to it?
i dun mean to compare at all actually. when wlk wrote abt moderations on the board, i juz felt wasted cox they moderated chem and amaths, like i need that? and combined humans, like i would ever use it. so when everybody was rejoicing i juz felt happy for them. the blow came when the marksheet came. itz unintentional, of cox, that i saw others' l1r5. i mean, when u r looking at the marksheet wif your frens, of cox you'll juz see each others' marks. sommore, there are so many single digits. of cox out of curiosity i will see who got it. it din cross my mind to compare at all. believe it or not. it started to feel bad when wad i got is so near to wad others got aft moderations. and that ppl can actually moderate up to 4 points. and some even got lower than me due to moderations, when my raw score is like lower than theirs, thus pushing my scores further back. this is just so unfair. i'm the only person(so far) unaffected by moderations in the class.
all i could do that day, was to smile at those surpassed me after moderations, see their happy faces, wondering if i look fake in doing so. please dont misunderstand me. i truly felt happy for all of you, itz a happy thing to you. but half of me was paralysed. it really took me great effort to get up on my feet and pretend that nothing happened. yan ba ba kan zhe ni yue tui yue yuan, shi fei chang zhe mo ren de. i tried to feel better, who knows mrs wong brought this topic up again. i fell totally into her first category of ppl - those who r not so affected by moderations. and as i thought i will feel better by eating wif them in kap, bad news came again. why is it like never-ending? i was told that c lit grades remain in kap, which ruined the barrier i built again.
i wonder if therez any bad news coming. if there are, can all come together? i'm tired of building and rebuilding the wall and my confidence. i doubt i have strength to build the wall again if this wall i'm currently working on is demolished again.
